So, I totally feel awful for not being as frequent with my blogs as promised but the past two months have been a very emotionally stressful time for me and I’ve had sooo much on my mind, it was indeed hard to write. However, I’m back and fully loaded….so, here goes!!!
For the most part, I’ve spent many years growing up in church and being a very active member like participating in choir, dance, play writing, acting, and many more things. I’ve also spent most of my life on the Honor Roll, both Primary and High School and have involved myself in many extra- curricular activities in which I’ve held leadership positions and have obtained great rewards and recommendations from. I can remember perhaps if not the tenth then most likely the eleventh grade where I was constantly busy as if I were a working individual. My sister once said that you’d have to put in an appointment to get to me and as crazy as it sounds, indeed then it was true.
My days started from 6AM getting up and ready for school and ended on many days at 7- 8PM in the evenings. Of course between 9AM- 3PM was school and the various club meetings and afterwards would follow everything from Band practice, volleyball practice, GGYA Meetings or expeditions, JA or Toastmasters Speech Workshops, and of course, Church events and regular services. I loved it! Loved not only being a part of such extraordinary clubs and organizations but also love being active in them and taking charge of my positions e.g. V. P. of Production, Treasurer, Acting President and more. Also, in school I was a part of many clubs as well such as Key Club (President of Calling Committee), Interact Club (Secretary/ President Elect-then President), C. O. A. (Collaboration of Artists- President: 2 years), Girls Club, Business Club, and others that I must admit, I wasn’t as faithful to.
My friends and I were always committed to the things we set forth to and I stayed steadfast focused into ensuring that if not everyone, then at least one person would know and remember my name. I had job trained in my senior year for the Chief Magistrate then Mr. Franklin Williams and had left such a warming and hardworking impression upon him and his staff of myself, which was greatly expressed in my recommendation letters. Assistant General Manager - NR at Bahamas Agricultural & Industrial Corp. Mr. Rudy Sawyer who was one of my JA Advisors also had spoken well on my behave in his recommendation letters and indeed I greatly appreciated it.
Achieving things and feeling accomplished was and is something that gives me great pleasure and contentment as oppose to the materialistic things that would bring pleasure to the average child/ teenager/ young adult. I chose to make sure that whatever it is I was and am doing, is done to the best of my abilities and is appreciated by those around me. However, I’d be terribly lying to you if I said I did and do it all for me. People expect me to do well and for that, I put my best foot forward with no intensions of letting anyone down. Most of the things I’ve done were because it was expected of me to do, not because it was my desire. Eventually of course, I learned to adapt to it and it felt good as if it were my desires and my expectations. My friends came to me with issues and burdens that they anticipated me to help them through or carry for them. As a humbling person with a heart so caring, I never asked questions, I just did what they wanted me to do; be there for them.
To whom much is given, much is required- this is a philosophy that I live by and truly believe and accept. So, please do not take it the wrong as if I am ungrateful or unappreciative of all the many gifts and knowledge God has given me. I am more than ever thankful and I will always show my gratitude and give back for indeed it is required of me.
Nevertheless, there comes a point in your life where you have to decide whether you are living for you or for others to view you. It was always my desire to be a leader and have people follow me and I never made it a must that they do, people just did. It makes me feel good to know that people appreciate who I am and trust that I know where I am going and wants to follow. However, it was and is extremely exhausting to have everyone watch you and critique you in EVERYTHING that you do.
I started cutting, a very bad thing to do I might add, so please don’t, when I had reached to a point where I was tired of being this person that everyone wanted me to be. I was frustrated with everyone telling me who I was supposed to be and what I couldn’t do because it was not who I was. The simplest things people would have an issue with and tell me that it’s out of my character and get back in line so that I can continue to be perceived as this ‘good girl- smart, innocent person’ they wanted me to be. NOTHINGS wrong with being good, smart or innocent and I do pride myself on being all threeJ. Nevertheless, I didn’t and DO NOT want that image because it is expected of me. I want it because it is who I am and who I’ve chosen to be, not because mum or dad or society thinks it’s what’s best for me.
It drove me crazy; it drives me crazy. When I would express my dreams of wanting to be a singer/ song writer, it was as if I was telling some sort of joke to people. Many people know that I am a pretty great singer and I have so many songs that I’ve written over the years but they would say I pictured you as more of a Lawyer type or someone interested in Politics, do those, they go good with you, you’re smart, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Seriously? I even convinced myself at one point that I did want to be a Lawyer and eventually would’ve branched off into Politics. I am very good at debating and bringing my point across but I cannot honestly set myself up to do something that I have no desire whatsoever to do.
People’s perception of me drastically changed when I started cutting but they went back to their same old feelings when I continued to excel in school. They still had high hopes for me; it meant a lot but not enough. I wanted to be who I wanted to be simply because it made me happy; thought that is what MY LIFE is for, isn’t it? When I started getting tattoos it was as if all hell broke loose. Young girls, much too young were out having sex, drinking and being with many different men and somehow, as crazy as it is, I was pictured as a bad person. Because I got tattoos? Again, Seriously?
I just couldn’t believe it! There were the whispers, ‘she’s gothic, she’s into darkness, she’s loosing it, must be something wrong in the home’- like WTF??? I got my ears pierced several times and obviously that must be a crime because you cannot begin to imagine the looks and questions I’d get from CHURCH people.
I moved from home in June of ’07 and went back after my uncle died in January of ’08; wanted to move back sooner but just couldn’t do it then, I was an emotional wreck. My cousin and I at that time were both out of high school, legal and have spent most of our years being good kids and students. We needed some way to release our hurt and at that point it really didn’t matter what people thought (or so I thought). We could go out all the time, granted the fact that we weren’t allowed to when we were in school; why the hell not go out and have a grand time. We were legal for crying out loud! When I went out, I drank hard and partied hard. It was just me and her and sometimes her sis and that’s all we needed. We would sit on the beach and talk for hours ‘til midnight sometimes. I slept by them a lot. That was my way of dealing with my grief. BUT people, who just LOVE to watch MY LIFE took it all the wrong ways they wanted to. They didn’t know that I had lost my uncle or them, their father, and they didn’t care. They’d see me once or twice in a bar and make statements like I’m an alcoholic. It hurt a lot because these were the same people who I was always there for, helping them through their mess and in my time of bereavement I couldn’t turn to them and they used my method of healing (lol) against me….hmmm, sad.
I’ve come to a point in my life where I am fed up with everyone and their damn expectations (please excuse my languageJ)!!! I am obligated, just as you are, to live my life however pleasing to me as I want! If you want to follow me then by all means necessary, be my guest. Do know, that I am not or will ever be perfect and if I chose to tatt, drink, or just enjoy my life to the fullest, then that’s on me. I am well educated and talented and I am currently focusing on trying to obtain my Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology and Sociology and in due time, I will. I would also wish to continue in song writing, journalism, fashion designing, and venturing out fully into the music sector. All of these things I can do and will do with my tatts and all. I’m not fully sold on being a Psychologist anymore as you can imagine I am soooooo sick of hearing about everyone’s problems BUT it is a degree that I do desire to have and should things not work out with my God given talents, I can fall back upon itJ.
When I say Good Girl Gone Bad, it is not to be misinterpreted as if I intend on wilding out and slaughtering the good name that I do still have. It simply states that I am going to be ME. I am removing myself off of the pedestal that everyone has placed me on and just wants to live my life for ME and not because certain things are expected of me. To whom much is given, much is required- in that sense, I’m always going to give 100% in the church and in the areas that God calls me to but this statement I uphold and honor to God, not to the world. The world does not anymore and will not dictate to me who I should be.
Should you have an issue with this or with watching me being me and doing what I damn well please, then it is sooooo easy to either close your eyes or look the next way because gone are the days of me putting on a show to ensure that everyone is satisfied…tsk, no more! This is to every and anyone and not just certain people; EVERYONE take heed because who you thought I was or wanted me to be, is not who I am…IF you must, watch me do me, flaws and allJ!!!
Authentically,
Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith
