There's an elephant in the room. Do you not see it? Interesting. Well, let's address it anyways. I've always wanted to write this blog to explain a few things, but when it came to this, putting pen to paper always seemed to be the hardest thing to do. But there's an elephant in the room that haunts me daily, won’t let me be great, not until I tell my truth, my story...my pain.
Well then, Shall we begin?
I've learned over time how to bury things, feelings, hurts that should no longer have a place in my life. It's funny 'though, how they have an awkward way of popping back up every so often. There's an expression here in the Caribbean (not too certain if it's used other places), but it goes, 'when row day come.' That simply means when it's arguing time – in most cases, you find out how people really feel about you: 'Row Day!'
As I chuckle to myself now thinking about it, 'row day' surely did come and devoured me. People talk about you and that's just a part of life: Get Over It! Sounds simple right? Well in most cases, to me, it really is. But when 'row day' finally came between a longtime friend and I, those words uttered by them perhaps out of anger or simply no care for my feelings left me shattered; made me question my whole existence. How could one be so cruel? All this time you believed the noise in the market and never said anything to me? You knew what others were saying and never mentioned it? But thought that this would be the appropriate time to bring it up? During an argument? WOW!
Let's go back...Story Time!
I was a fifteen-year-old honor student (soon to be sixteen) a few months away from entering into my final year of high school. P.S. I was in love. Yup! There was this guy and we'd been dating for almost a year. He was my everything! I adored him and he adore me. We fed off of each other's energy. We both felt misunderstood. Two brilliant teenagers in their own leagues of accomplishments but so broken and no one knew. They saw the glitz and glamour but not the fragile souls crying for help.
Speeding it up...
We had different ways of coping with our pain. I threw myself into academics and him, athletics. We conquered! But it wasn't quite enough. We talked about everything, from our current family lives to future hopes and aspirations. And we also talked about different coping-mechanisms as well – they at the time seem to be needed. Something was mentioned, somewhat of a dare; a way he dealt with his stress and I became intrigued. He, of course, insisted that I disregard such a thought but Akrizia at that time lived in her own world of 'I do what I want, shouldn't have dare me.' LOL silly me.
Anyways, I went home that evening and I sat and thought, 'this is some really crazy people shit.' (excuse the expression) But yup, that's what I thought. I do not remember just how or why a fight broke out in our home but it did. It was one of the usual fights of course or disturbance to be perfectly honest and I was always so quick to jump out of my bunk bed (top one to be exact) and play peace maker...this night was different.
The razor was in my hand and I was just about to put it down, again thinking, 'this is some crazy people shit and I'm not 'bout this life'...but something snapped. I no longer wanted to be the peace maker or 'defender of the people' as my sister calls me. I wanted to be heard from my point of view but the words just wouldn't seem to form. I wanted to scream 'I need help, I'm broken too', but silence consumed me. And at that moment, uncalculated and semi-provoked, instead of rushing out to be 'defender of the people', I sat and watched the thickness of the blood, rich in its' color, cloud my hands...and I, I felt nothing. I felt nothing! I laid there, wrapped my arms up (both of them) and went to sleep.
The next morning, I didn't even fathom what I had done but oh the water brought it immediately to my attention. That was the worst shower I had ever took in my life. It stung like crazy! In school, I didn't hear the whispers or anything but my best friend at the time brought it to my attention that people were now calling me crazy; said I had gone mad. She was furious! She gave me her jacket to throw over me and when I told her I didn't care what people thought, she insisted that I still cover myself. I'll always love and thank her for that. My boyfriend, needless to say was much disappointed but nonetheless, he understood.
Years later...
That was some thirteen years ago and I've grown to live with my truth. I've acknowledged my reckless mistakes and moved pass them to the point where I don’t even notice my scars. Of course that doesn't stop others from noticing or even taking it upon themselves to ask. And when I give them a vague response, they still continue on with their own opinions. Such is life. I don’t feel as though I need now to explain myself to anyone and I, truth be told somewhat could care less about what others think. However, 'row day' came.
As I've mentioned prior, people have said things and it never seemed to phase me. This time was different. Now the argument I'd admit was 60% my fault but the words that came after left me speechless and beyond hurt. A friend that I've known and trusted for perhaps some eleven years says 'Well maybe you are crazy. I mean people have told me how you were suicidal and all; how you used to cut yourself in school.' (I've graduated from high school ELEVEN YEARS ago *rolls eyes*)
Hmmm...I cried like someone had just taken a loved one from me. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. You felt at that moment, at that time after all these years, those were the perfect words to say? WOW!
So, the elephant in the room...
Again, I do not owe anyone any explanations for decisions I've made in my life but somehow, I've always wanted to make it clear. Yes, I've been broken and yes, there are many things I've been battling unbeknownst to me then, like depression, for a very long time. BUT, I have never or will I ever be (through the Father's grace), suicidal.
It hurts when people feel comfortable just throwing words out there like that not conscious of the consequences. There are people who've battled or are still battling with suicidal thoughts everyday. Whiles I may not directly relate to them (somewhat), I sympathize with their pain. A pain that seems so overbearing. I'd be lying if I said the thought itself has never crossed my mind but I can assure you, it indeed was just a mere thought once (in no way related to previous incident) that quickly evaporated.
My cuts then were only from a broken soul seeking help without having to say it; never from a person who lost all hope and wanted to end it all. 'Though I stated they were uncalculated, scientifically let's be honest, the placements of them would simply be impossible for one to commit suicide. I would say 'duhhhhhhh' but that would be rude.
Let's end this...
I've always wanted to share my story but I never knew how to start. That experience, 'row day' triggered me. I found a way. Depression hurts, I can't or won't sugar coat that. There are days when my highs are amazing and then I blink, and my lows consume me. But now that I'm understanding and have knowledge about it, it somewhat gets easier to handle. 'Row day' came and it felt at the moment as if it had broken me but instead, it renewed me. To find healing, you must confront that which hurts you. The whispers and talks of me being crazy (even some family members find pleasure in saying such) at some point in time hurt me; they no longer have such power over me. People are going to talk about you until the day you die and even then, trust me, they still will carry on. Such is life!
Once you know who you are, then you know who you are not! Do not allow past hurts, disappointments, mistakes or the thoughts of others define you. What defines us is how well we rise after falling! Yup. Stole that from Maid In Manhattan lol. But seriously, my story, as complexed as it may seem is quite simple: I made a foolish mistake which I'll probably be reminded of for the rest of my life and I'm okay with that. I'm okay now because I'm releasing it; I'm taking its power away. So no matter how many times its brought up to me or by whom, I'm ready to face it. The elephant in the room has been addressed - perhaps not in depth – but enough to be understood.
And life goes one...!
Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith
19th September, 2017
Well then, Shall we begin?
I've learned over time how to bury things, feelings, hurts that should no longer have a place in my life. It's funny 'though, how they have an awkward way of popping back up every so often. There's an expression here in the Caribbean (not too certain if it's used other places), but it goes, 'when row day come.' That simply means when it's arguing time – in most cases, you find out how people really feel about you: 'Row Day!'
As I chuckle to myself now thinking about it, 'row day' surely did come and devoured me. People talk about you and that's just a part of life: Get Over It! Sounds simple right? Well in most cases, to me, it really is. But when 'row day' finally came between a longtime friend and I, those words uttered by them perhaps out of anger or simply no care for my feelings left me shattered; made me question my whole existence. How could one be so cruel? All this time you believed the noise in the market and never said anything to me? You knew what others were saying and never mentioned it? But thought that this would be the appropriate time to bring it up? During an argument? WOW!
Let's go back...Story Time!
I was a fifteen-year-old honor student (soon to be sixteen) a few months away from entering into my final year of high school. P.S. I was in love. Yup! There was this guy and we'd been dating for almost a year. He was my everything! I adored him and he adore me. We fed off of each other's energy. We both felt misunderstood. Two brilliant teenagers in their own leagues of accomplishments but so broken and no one knew. They saw the glitz and glamour but not the fragile souls crying for help.
Speeding it up...
We had different ways of coping with our pain. I threw myself into academics and him, athletics. We conquered! But it wasn't quite enough. We talked about everything, from our current family lives to future hopes and aspirations. And we also talked about different coping-mechanisms as well – they at the time seem to be needed. Something was mentioned, somewhat of a dare; a way he dealt with his stress and I became intrigued. He, of course, insisted that I disregard such a thought but Akrizia at that time lived in her own world of 'I do what I want, shouldn't have dare me.' LOL silly me.
Anyways, I went home that evening and I sat and thought, 'this is some really crazy people shit.' (excuse the expression) But yup, that's what I thought. I do not remember just how or why a fight broke out in our home but it did. It was one of the usual fights of course or disturbance to be perfectly honest and I was always so quick to jump out of my bunk bed (top one to be exact) and play peace maker...this night was different.
The razor was in my hand and I was just about to put it down, again thinking, 'this is some crazy people shit and I'm not 'bout this life'...but something snapped. I no longer wanted to be the peace maker or 'defender of the people' as my sister calls me. I wanted to be heard from my point of view but the words just wouldn't seem to form. I wanted to scream 'I need help, I'm broken too', but silence consumed me. And at that moment, uncalculated and semi-provoked, instead of rushing out to be 'defender of the people', I sat and watched the thickness of the blood, rich in its' color, cloud my hands...and I, I felt nothing. I felt nothing! I laid there, wrapped my arms up (both of them) and went to sleep.
The next morning, I didn't even fathom what I had done but oh the water brought it immediately to my attention. That was the worst shower I had ever took in my life. It stung like crazy! In school, I didn't hear the whispers or anything but my best friend at the time brought it to my attention that people were now calling me crazy; said I had gone mad. She was furious! She gave me her jacket to throw over me and when I told her I didn't care what people thought, she insisted that I still cover myself. I'll always love and thank her for that. My boyfriend, needless to say was much disappointed but nonetheless, he understood.
Years later...
That was some thirteen years ago and I've grown to live with my truth. I've acknowledged my reckless mistakes and moved pass them to the point where I don’t even notice my scars. Of course that doesn't stop others from noticing or even taking it upon themselves to ask. And when I give them a vague response, they still continue on with their own opinions. Such is life. I don’t feel as though I need now to explain myself to anyone and I, truth be told somewhat could care less about what others think. However, 'row day' came.
As I've mentioned prior, people have said things and it never seemed to phase me. This time was different. Now the argument I'd admit was 60% my fault but the words that came after left me speechless and beyond hurt. A friend that I've known and trusted for perhaps some eleven years says 'Well maybe you are crazy. I mean people have told me how you were suicidal and all; how you used to cut yourself in school.' (I've graduated from high school ELEVEN YEARS ago *rolls eyes*)
Hmmm...I cried like someone had just taken a loved one from me. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. You felt at that moment, at that time after all these years, those were the perfect words to say? WOW!
So, the elephant in the room...
Again, I do not owe anyone any explanations for decisions I've made in my life but somehow, I've always wanted to make it clear. Yes, I've been broken and yes, there are many things I've been battling unbeknownst to me then, like depression, for a very long time. BUT, I have never or will I ever be (through the Father's grace), suicidal.
It hurts when people feel comfortable just throwing words out there like that not conscious of the consequences. There are people who've battled or are still battling with suicidal thoughts everyday. Whiles I may not directly relate to them (somewhat), I sympathize with their pain. A pain that seems so overbearing. I'd be lying if I said the thought itself has never crossed my mind but I can assure you, it indeed was just a mere thought once (in no way related to previous incident) that quickly evaporated.
My cuts then were only from a broken soul seeking help without having to say it; never from a person who lost all hope and wanted to end it all. 'Though I stated they were uncalculated, scientifically let's be honest, the placements of them would simply be impossible for one to commit suicide. I would say 'duhhhhhhh' but that would be rude.
Let's end this...
I've always wanted to share my story but I never knew how to start. That experience, 'row day' triggered me. I found a way. Depression hurts, I can't or won't sugar coat that. There are days when my highs are amazing and then I blink, and my lows consume me. But now that I'm understanding and have knowledge about it, it somewhat gets easier to handle. 'Row day' came and it felt at the moment as if it had broken me but instead, it renewed me. To find healing, you must confront that which hurts you. The whispers and talks of me being crazy (even some family members find pleasure in saying such) at some point in time hurt me; they no longer have such power over me. People are going to talk about you until the day you die and even then, trust me, they still will carry on. Such is life!
Once you know who you are, then you know who you are not! Do not allow past hurts, disappointments, mistakes or the thoughts of others define you. What defines us is how well we rise after falling! Yup. Stole that from Maid In Manhattan lol. But seriously, my story, as complexed as it may seem is quite simple: I made a foolish mistake which I'll probably be reminded of for the rest of my life and I'm okay with that. I'm okay now because I'm releasing it; I'm taking its power away. So no matter how many times its brought up to me or by whom, I'm ready to face it. The elephant in the room has been addressed - perhaps not in depth – but enough to be understood.
And life goes one...!
Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith
19th September, 2017
