The Elephant In The Room P.S. I'm 'Krazy'

There's an elephant in the room. Do you not see it? Interesting. Well, let's address it anyways. I've always wanted to write this blog to explain a few things, but when it came to this, putting pen to paper always seemed to be the hardest thing to do. But there's an elephant in the room that haunts me daily, won’t let me be great, not until I tell my truth, my story...my pain. 

Well then, Shall we begin? 

I've learned over time how to bury things, feelings, hurts that should no longer have a place in my life. It's funny 'though, how they have an awkward way of popping back up every so often. There's an expression here in the Caribbean (not too certain if it's used other places), but it goes, 'when row day come.' That simply means when it's arguing time – in most cases, you find out how people really feel about you: 'Row Day!' 

As I chuckle to myself now thinking about it, 'row day' surely did come and devoured me. People talk about you and that's just a part of life: Get Over It! Sounds simple right? Well in most cases, to me, it really is. But when 'row day' finally came between a longtime friend and I, those words uttered by them perhaps out of anger or simply no care for my feelings left me shattered; made me question my whole existence. How could one be so cruel? All this time you believed the noise in the market and never said anything to me? You knew what others were saying and never mentioned it? But thought that this would be the appropriate time to bring it up? During an argument? WOW! 

Let's go back...Story Time! 

I was a fifteen-year-old honor student (soon to be sixteen) a few months away from entering into my final year of high school. P.S. I was in love. Yup! There was this guy and we'd been dating for almost a year. He was my everything! I adored him and he adore me. We fed off of each other's energy. We both felt misunderstood. Two brilliant teenagers in their own leagues of accomplishments but so broken and no one knew. They saw the glitz and glamour but not the fragile souls crying for help. 

Speeding it up... 

We had different ways of coping with our pain. I threw myself into academics and him, athletics. We conquered! But it wasn't quite enough. We talked about everything, from our current family lives to future hopes and aspirations. And we also talked about different coping-mechanisms as well – they at the time seem to be needed. Something was mentioned, somewhat of a dare; a way he dealt with his stress and I became intrigued. He, of course, insisted that I disregard such a thought but Akrizia at that time lived in her own world of 'I do what I want, shouldn't have dare me.' LOL silly me. 

Anyways, I went home that evening and I sat and thought, 'this is some really crazy people shit.' (excuse the expression) But yup, that's what I thought. I do not remember just how or why a fight broke out in our home but it did. It was one of the usual fights of course or disturbance to be perfectly honest and I was always so quick to jump out of my bunk bed (top one to be exact) and play peace maker...this night was different. 

The razor was in my hand and I was just about to put it down, again thinking, 'this is some crazy people shit and I'm not 'bout this life'...but something snapped. I no longer wanted to be the peace maker or 'defender of the people' as my sister calls me. I wanted to be heard from my point of view but the words just wouldn't seem to form. I wanted to scream 'I need help, I'm broken too', but silence consumed me. And at that moment, uncalculated and semi-provoked, instead of rushing out to be 'defender of the people', I sat and watched the thickness of the blood, rich in its' color, cloud my hands...and I, I felt nothing. I felt nothing! I laid there, wrapped my arms up (both of them) and went to sleep. 

The next morning, I didn't even fathom what I had done but oh the water brought it immediately to my attention. That was the worst shower I had ever took in my life. It stung like crazy! In school, I didn't hear the whispers or anything but my best friend at the time brought it to my attention that people were now calling me crazy; said I had gone mad. She was furious! She gave me her jacket to throw over me and when I told her I didn't care what people thought, she insisted that I still cover myself. I'll always love and thank her for that. My boyfriend, needless to say was much disappointed but nonetheless, he understood. 

Years later... 

That was some thirteen years ago and I've grown to live with my truth. I've acknowledged my reckless mistakes and moved pass them to the point where I don’t even notice my scars. Of course that doesn't stop others from noticing or even taking it upon themselves to ask. And when I give them a vague response, they still continue on with their own opinions. Such is life. I don’t feel as though I need now to explain myself to anyone and I, truth be told somewhat could care less about what others think. However, 'row day' came. 

As I've mentioned prior, people have said things and it never seemed to phase me. This time was different. Now the argument I'd admit was 60% my fault but the words that came after left me speechless and beyond hurt. A friend that I've known and trusted for perhaps some eleven years says 'Well maybe you are crazy. I mean people have told me how you were suicidal and all; how you used to cut yourself in school.' (I've graduated from high school ELEVEN YEARS ago *rolls eyes*) 

Hmmm...I cried like someone had just taken a loved one from me. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. You felt at that moment, at that time after all these years, those were the perfect words to say? WOW! 

So, the elephant in the room... 

Again, I do not owe anyone any explanations for decisions I've made in my life but somehow, I've always wanted to make it clear. Yes, I've been broken and yes, there are many things I've been battling unbeknownst to me then, like depression, for a very long time. BUT, I have never or will I ever be (through the Father's grace), suicidal. 

It hurts when people feel comfortable just throwing words out there like that not conscious of the consequences. There are people who've battled or are still battling with suicidal thoughts everyday. Whiles I may not directly relate to them (somewhat), I sympathize with their pain. A pain that seems so overbearing. I'd be lying if I said the thought itself has never crossed my mind but I can assure you, it indeed was just a mere thought once (in no way related to previous incident) that quickly evaporated. 

My cuts then were only from a broken soul seeking help without having to say it; never from a person who lost all hope and wanted to end it all. 'Though I stated they were uncalculated, scientifically let's be honest, the placements of them would simply be impossible for one to commit suicide. I would say 'duhhhhhhh' but that would be rude. 

Let's end this... 

I've always wanted to share my story but I never knew how to start. That experience, 'row day' triggered me. I found a way. Depression hurts, I can't or won't sugar coat that. There are days when my highs are amazing and then I blink, and my lows consume me. But now that I'm understanding and have knowledge about it, it somewhat gets easier to handle. 'Row day' came and it felt at the moment as if it had broken me but instead, it renewed me. To find healing, you must confront that which hurts you. The whispers and talks of me being crazy (even some family members find pleasure in saying such) at some point in time hurt me; they no longer have such power over me. People are going to talk about you until the day you die and even then, trust me, they still will carry on. Such is life! 

Once you know who you are, then you know who you are not! Do not allow past hurts, disappointments, mistakes or the thoughts of others define you. What defines us is how well we rise after falling! Yup. Stole that from Maid In Manhattan lol. But seriously, my story, as complexed as it may seem is quite simple: I made a foolish mistake which I'll probably be reminded of for the rest of my life and I'm okay with that. I'm okay now because I'm releasing it; I'm taking its power away. So no matter how many times its brought up to me or by whom, I'm ready to face it. The elephant in the room has been addressed - perhaps not in depth – but enough to be understood. 

And life goes one...! 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 
19th September, 2017 

Note To My Younger Self: Three Key Advises I Would Give To Myself Then....And Now.

Many of us wish we could've gone back in time and speak to our younger selves; may it be words of encouragement or simple warnings to be careful in our decision makings. 

If I had the opportunity to sit and talk with my younger self, we'd have a hell of a conversation!

But no, really, if I were able to tell my younger self three short but very valuable key points or advises on life, they would most definitely be:-

ONE: Don't Think About It Too Much.

Remember when you loved reading aloud during class sessions? Or writing play scripts for youth groups? The speech competitions you were oh so eager to be apart of? Some victorious, others not...but that was okay, you kept going? Somewhere along the way Akrizia you lost your spark. You became fearful and uncertain of yourself. You began to over-analyze everything, therefore pushing you to just give up completely saying, 'oh well, I just can't do it.'

Hey, you there....don't think about it too much! Become fearless again when it comes to the things you love to do. You're a natural! It's okay to have the jitters at times but it's never okay to quit. You've done it before, you can do it again. The world is your stage, and your audience are waiting; don't disappoint them, more importantly, don't disappoint you. Go out there and be amazing!

TWO: Time Heals Most Wounds.

So, he broke your heart huh? But have you not been here before? Okay so it's sort of a different situation but still, it's sort of the same. Cry about it if you must, fine, i'll give you that but please, do not wallow in it and for the love of God Akrizia, stop being dramatic; no, you are not going to die:-). You didn't last time or the time before that did you? One thing I've learned over the years is that time heals most wounds. I will not tell you all, but the breakups, yea, it healed them.

Letting go of someone because they are just not who God has intended you to be with is okay. You may ask how do I know who God has in store for me...well, i'm still single (unmarried) so i'm not quite certain but I do know for sure it's not who you're crying over. You prayed about it remember? He said no but you still went ahead anyways? Yea, that's how I know. You're a tough cookie and you're going to be okay. So as they say, 'be on your way and stop crying your heart out.'

THREE: You Are More Than Enough!

Sometimes we doubt ourselves and our capacity to be great; it happens. Shake it off....okay. Sadly, the world is filled with people who at times can make you feel as if you're not enough; don't you dare let them get to you. You are more than enough!

Akrizia, if I had the opportunity to trade lives with anyone else, i'd still want yours; you make life worth living. So there's been bumps in the roads and you thought you wouldn't make it through, but you did. In-spite of everything you've been through and we can agree it's been a lot, you still manage to smile and say, 'God You are good and Your mercies surely endureth!' You encourage others to be great even when you're not feeling at your best. That's because you were born for this. You are more than enough. Do not let anyone dim your light. People have said some very hateful things in hopes that it would break you, it didn't and it won't.

Not everyone is going to like you and that's okay. Stop letting that make you insecure. You'll discover in your older years that you're not fond of everyone either. You don't hate anyone but you've grown to understand that life isn't about being liked too tough but being respected. Give them something to respect. Know that you are valuable and never cheapen yourself for those who cannot afford or appreciate you. You are more than enough. You've always been even when you thought you weren't. Continue on this journey walking with God because you CANNOT  do it without Him, believe me. He's got so much wonderful things planned for you.

Doors are opening that seemed impossible all because you were faithful; remain faithful. Watch the company you keep, you tend to pick up their traits. Some were not the best habits but you got focused along the way, remain focused. Honestly Akrizia, you're going to be okay! I'm proud of you. You have been, am and will always be more than enough!

Be encouraged, the best is yet to come!

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith

Written:18th November, 2015

@ 19:47pm

Thank You!!!

23 years huh? Wow!!! It may not seem like a lot but indeed that’s so much in these last days. Who would’ve thought it…that we’d reach to a stage where 23 is considered a long life? Scary huh? First and foremost I’d like to thank God Almighty for His grace and mercy that has indeed brought me through. It has been such a tremendous 22 years and gosh do I look forward to celebrating 23.

Over the past years I have accumulated great friendships and suffered heartbreaking losses. Nonetheless, I’m still here and still standing. I’m excited to embark upon this New Year as I look forward to accomplishing many things and staying steadfast on the path to success. More importantly, I look forward to my growing relationship with the Father, Christ Himself and do believe that he will carry me through all endeavors that I might face.

As some may say, I’m getting up there in age lol so they assume that it’s time for me to perhaps have some kids and settle down. I do anticipate doing so one day but as of right now my immediate plans remain the same. 23 yearsJ. That’s a huge accomplishment as in this day and time many do not live to see it.

I will continue to put my best foot forward, achieving all that I can and being a motivation to others. I do enjoy my life to the fullest and I am hopeful to celebrate many more years to come.

Thank you!!! My sincere and heartfelt thank you to everyone who have wished me blessings on my birthday and even more importantly, to those who do so all year long.

 To my family, Gracias! Te quiero!

My friends, Te quiero para siempre! Significa el mundo a mí!

And to everyone else, Dios le bendice!

Thank You!!! Gracias!! Merci!!!

Respectfully,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

“Respect is given when we express our gratitude to those that mean well to us. Never deprive anyone of the fit just that is due to them.”- Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith- Holiday Greetings

It gives me great pleasure to bring to you holiday greetings and cheer!!! Indeed it has been an eventful year but nonetheless amazingly blessed. God has afforded me the opportunity to live yet another year and I am forever grateful for it. Though the many challenges faced throughout the year, I am most happy to say that indeed I have been more than a conqueror and have made it!!! There have been many ups and thankfully, not as many downs.

As we embark upon the Christmas season and shortly thereafter embrace the New Year, we must remember the true reason behind our celebration, which should and ALWAYS be Christ. He selflessly died and risen for our sins and has taught us a valuable lesson about being selfless for the greater good. Too often we are caught up about the presents and things that we desire all for self gratification without ever thinking about others and those who have not.

Not only during this season, but throughout the year we ought to think about others and consider them in our daily plans as Christ has taught us to be our brothers keeper. I encourage you to not only consider the material aspects of giving but also those gifts that cannot be bought or sold; gifts that are beneficial for others all year round and can be uplifting to them as they too face adversities in this life. Prayer would be my main suggestion among many others. We must see the need for prayer and must realize the supernatural power that it possesses.

It is vitally important that prayer is a part of our everyday life for it is the main vehicle that will carry us through all of our endeavors. I trust that you will adhere to such advice and keep pushing forth for greater things to come.

I’m not one to make New Year Resolutions as I honestly find them redundant. Reason simply being is that throughout the course of the year though my overall goals do not change, obstacles do occur and there is no sure guarantee that I will fulfill such resolutions. I do believe in living in the moment and embracing each day as it comes. Whiles I do encourage you to have overall goals and aspirations, I strongly advise you to not make them a yearly recycled vision but one that is beneficial in the long haul and meaningful towards the future.

I am beyond grateful for the people good has placed in my life and I thank you guys so much for all that you have added to my life. I look forward to celebrating over the season with many of you and for those that I have not yet come into personal contact with; I do look forward to doing so in the near future. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and indeed a Prosperous New Year to come!!!

“Keep looking forward in knowing that your past is all now just memories, your present actuality and your future that of what you write as you mark each day with your living pen. What was shall never be again, those to come are unthought-of yet but what’s now is what truly matters at the end of the day.”

Authentically,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

Nation Building: Unity

“Expecting others to fight ones battles leave you open and defenseless; easily to defeat. It is through acting in accordance that obstacles are faced head- on and overcome.”- Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

As the nation listened attentively Monday night (October 3^rd, 2011) to the Prime Minister’s National Address on crime, eyebrows were raised, comments made and questions asked. Many, because of political preferences disagreed with much that was said whiles others stood by his statements. Well, from my perspective, I partially agreed on much that was said and two particular points stood out to me (one which I will elaborate on).

However first, I pose this question to you, the Bahamian people; when are we going to take the political aspects and opinions out of how we care/ contribute to the building up and betterment of our country?

Whiles I agree with many that stated the PM’s address had little substance, there were a few valuable points made. Too often we blame poverty and misfortune for our actions and for limiting us to accomplishing/ achieving in life. We blame circumstances and inevitable situations for our short comings and sadly, we blame the government for everything else that seems to go wrong in our lives. Where is the accountability in all of this? Are we not to be held responsible for anything?

In the political world, though sad, it is expected. However, we all do not live in that world and quite frankly, we should not desire to. Before we see political party and color, we should see ourselves and we should see are nation as a whole. Our first initial question should not be what is the government doing BUT what are we, even more personal, what am I doing to contribute to the fight and help my country? Yes, the government is there to do a job and when they fail we have an opportunity to bring in new people BUT do we just sit back and watch them fail, or do we not offer ourselves to be of some service for patriotic gratification?!

We blame everything and everybody but ourselves and honestly, I DO NOT think it is fair. I hold myself accountable for many things that I chosen not to care about or say it wasn’t my business when indeed it was. Everything that goes on in our country that affects us is our business. We have to stop playing the blame game and admit that we too have failed. As a people we are supposed to be united and before political alliances, which honestly are why we are so divided now, we are supposed to see Bahamian and what it truly means to be one.

We come together when murderers are loose and protest for a brief period of time; then march the streets when sales are going on and once we’ve put out all the fire of being riled up and angry, we quickly go back to being divided. We MUST do better as Bahamians. We look at other nations and we copy everything but we fail to see the unity and togetherness that they possess. We don’t want others here but yet we can’t appreciate one another? How hypocritical is that?!

We can say the government has failed us and I won’t argue with that, BUT, what have we done to make our Bahamaland better? What extreme measures have we taken to protect what is ours and why do we blame it all on poverty as to why we can’t do, give, or achieve? Poverty is more than a physical state but a mental attitude that we adapt to because we become discouraged in believing we can’t achieve more; so we become complacent just like the government. Then, how are we any better? Just like them, we must renew our mindset and stop allowing politics to cause us not see the bigger picture: Bahamians FIRST. We are all in this fight and no one man or government can do it alone.

So again I ask, when are we going to take the political aspects and opinions out of how we care for the building up and betterment of our country? Expecting others to fight ones battles leave you open and defenseless; easily to defeat. It is through acting in accordance that obstacles are faced head- on and overcome; For there is strength in unity and unity through progression. No one is left behind in a forward harmonious movement and should one fall, he is blanketed by his peers and uplifted; unity is power!!!

Authentically,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

A. Smith VIII. XV. LXXXIX

There’s a special significance about this particular birthday as no other have hold. If granted the opportunity to see it, it would be so amazing. God has brought me thus far and if only 21 years, even then, I am forever grateful. It’s been a trying time and I’ve faced many trials, too many to count. Had it not been for God, I most likely wouldn’t have been here.

Everyone gets excited about sweet 16, then 18 & 21, but this one for me means so much more than they ever could have. 21 years and I’m finally at the point where I want to be in my life; I’m happy. How, when, or why it happened is beyond me but it happened. There have been endless teary nights and many self-destructive tactics that literally could’ve been the end of me. BUT, God’s kept me.

I know the great calling He has on my life and once again, I am forever grateful. However, it gets depressing at time always taking care of others before me, considering their feelings before mines, but nonetheless, it’s why I’m here. I take my responsibility very serious and follow through with no hesitations.

21 years and I’m finally happy. I’ve been searching, waiting, and constantly praying for this feeling and it came, and it feels so good. I’m confident now in who I am but most importantly, I know who I am. I was confused for quite some time with who I should be, living off other peoples impressions. Now, I know me and it’s a great feeling to know and love me.

“Destined to be a star, Ordained to shine”- I live by that. I know that greatness is within reach and if I’m self-motivated, I can achieve it. 21 years and I’ve come to appreciate the beauty of life and all that it has to offer. I’ve come to realize that the rain signifies blessings so therefore I shouldn’t complain when it comes.

21 years and I’ve come so far, so close to where I ought to be. If granted, 22 is going to be amazing!!! To the person writing this, Akrizia MaryAntonique Smith, you are Beautiful!!! You are intelligent, vibrant, confident, and exquisite. God’s covering is upon you and you ought to be the change you seek to see. Keep going, pushing forward knowing that in due time, with such diligence, you will overcome, for you are more than a conqueror. You are loved.

God’s blessings always and forever,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith.

Forward, Upward, Onward Together!!!

“There’s strength in unity and through unity, progression; no one is left behind in a forward harmonious movement and should one fall, he is always blanketed by his peers and up lifted. Unity is power.”- Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith.

Once again, the frequencies of my notes have been fluctuating but I’ve got a lot that needs to be discussed so I won’t drop the ball this time.

As you all should know by now Independence is my FAVORITE holiday of all time. I get more excited about it than my birthday. All throughout the year I find ways to better my country and to assist with helping out and giving back to those who’ve made it all possible. 38 years is a big achievement for a small country like ours and I’m eagerly excited as to seeing many many more. I believe that our country has great potential and has the youth of the people who are ready and willing to take it to the next level. I am passionate about being the change I want to see.

With that being said, I feel as if our country currently is at a standstill. Where we are now feels as if it is no different than where we were perhaps some five plus years ago. The issues we’re facing today are the same issues of yesterday and had we taken care of them from the beginning, we would be much further than we are now. You can never change a corrupted man from what he is accustomed to. You can only hope for the better and put effort into bringing up and inspiring a man with good morals and strong work ethics and belief. A corrupted nation is far different.

To refer to our country as corrupted is very extreme and might be disturbing to some and even to me. However, I feel as if, and not only within the government, that we have people who are placed in powerful positions who are not intellectually fit to be there. The mindsets of the people are not where it should be despite their academic achievements. Education is vitally important and it is good to have people with great knowledge but what we tend to forget at times or not see is academic knowledge can only take you so far. Growing up they said manners and respect took you throughout the world. Well, let me add to it, having the ability to intellectually stimulate people and motivate them to want positive change is what also takes you throughout the world.

Our motto of what we’re supposed to live by is Forward, Upward, Onward Together but daily I see the progression of the people going backwards. We pull down, tear apart, and deliberately destroy each other all for the sake of power and name. If this is how we expect to build our nation then it’s simply not going to happen. The maturity level of our leaders is questionable and it scares me to think of where we are going to end up. As said before, I believe that our country has great potential but before we can ever move forward and be productive we must realize the potential that we have and embrace it. We must have people in power who are focused on making sure that no one is left behind.

In our society too often we are afraid to help another because of fair of being pulled down or looked down upon. We say we want change then we must be the change we want to see. We say we want progression but why are we then so afraid to get rid of the old ways of thinking? We must first move from the former in order to reach to the latter. It is said and proven true that your latter will be greater than your past but we cannot reach it living with the past mentality.

There is more expected of us. I believe and will see to it that this generation, my generation is going to rise up and totally turn this country upside down, inside out, and all around make it so much better than it’s ever been. We have the visions within us and though there are very few inspirational leaders out there, we must act on our own motivation. Too many times in this country things are done for self gain. Even though we must be self motivated, nothing we do must be for self gratification. Our common goal should and must be the building up and betterment of our country.

Our forefathers left a legacy that is greatly appreciated and should always be remembered but the footsteps in which are current leaders are walking is on a different course than where we are suppose to be. Therefore, a constructive change is indeed necessary. Change is inevitable and will happen regardless it be for the better or worst. We must ensure that the change our country is about to embark upon is one that is effective and optimistic in the progression of us as a people.

Forward, Upward, Onward Together we march; we must march. My hand in yours and yours in my mind, in love and unity; we march, we must march. Our making as a people that are excellently executed through the words of our national anthem encourages us to do so; in unity we march; we must march. For “there is strength in unity and through unity, progression; no one is left behind in a forward harmonious movement and should one fall, he is always blanketed by his peers and up lifted. Unity is power.”- Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith.

Happy 38^th Bahamas!!!

Authentically,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith