Spring Forward

Yesssssssss! Welcome to my favorite time of the year – DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME! I know many of you do NOT share this much enthusiasm with me lol but nonetheless, you guys should've learned by now to adjust. But yes, Dolls and Gents, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE when time 'Springs Forward'. Of course, perhaps you might be thinking it's just an hour extra of daytime but to me it's so much more. Granted the fact that during the segment when time 'Falls Backward' and it's already dark by 6pm – which is crazy – I look forward to more Sun time (Merbabe) with night falling closer to 8pm and I just honestly feel like I get more done during this time because let's keep it real (for some of us), once we see darkness, we think work time is over – yes we have to do better but still lol you understand. 

 I've had writer's block for about a month now and I was trying desperately to keep up with my blogging but being uninspired and quite busy at the same time – ALL Praise be to God – things just weren't coming together. I honestly woke up this morning not even noticing the time had change as I stated earlier, I'm just so adjusted to expecting it too plus my body has thing where it ALWAYS wakes up at 6am sharp (but again it's been programmed into doing so from high school days). With all that being said, I said to myself, I need to blog but what am I going to write about? These past few weeks have been emotionally and spiritually challenging for me and I felt so overwhelmed that many things I had plan to accomplish during such time was put on the back burner as I couldn't function to properly execute them. Then I asked myself another question after 'what am I going to blog about', I said 'Krizia, you've got to push forward, you've got to get through this' and ah, there – Spring Forward. 

How Are You Planning to SPRING FORWARD? 

Are you currently in a funk as I am? Nothing intentional, life just at times throws us lemons and we're not really in the mood for making lemonade, or perhaps just don't have the energy to do so at the moment. Yea, I know – it threw me some lemons and I was just like 'sigh, leave them on the floor, I'm tired right now.' It happens, DO NOT beat yourself up about it! We ALL go through Seasons of being uninspired and feeling broken. Brokenness is a beautiful thing though if we understand its necessity at times. But the question is, how are you going to get from said state to the next? Do you know what's got you there in the first place – what's troubling your spirit? How are you planning to PUSH through it until you've reached that breakthrough that's on the other side? And trust me, there's a breakthrough there otherwise you wouldn't be going through the valley in the first place. 

I have a few daily routines I do to help me make it through the day, especially through the ones that are more difficult than others. I'll gladly share them with you in hopes that it brings you some comfort as well. 

• First thing I do when I wake up EVERY Morning is say, 'Thank You Lord.' - it might sound like something simple but believe me, it's well deserved and it instantly brightens my day. 
• Immediately following that, without getting out of bed or anything, I listen to Denzel Washington's 'Fall Forward' speech. There's a short put together version, all of 6 or so minutes on Youtube (will post the link below) that helps me so much throughout the day as it plays in my head constantly. I usually follow up with some TD Jakes or other Motivational Speaker. 
• During some time in the middle of the day, I get up from my desk and stretch, just to work the kinks out – again, nothing major but it helps. 
• I drink LOTS of water – haha please don't judge me with this one but we all know the healthy benefits plus it just makes me feel refreshed and clears my head a little. 
• And lastly, before I go to bed, another Thank You to God doesn't hurt at all plus I finish off with The Golden Girls. A little comedy is always good for the soul. Find something that you laugh to over and over again and fall asleep to that. I sleep well, believe me. 

Now those are just a few simple daily things I do to set a positive attitude for the work day but that in itself is not my total solution for pushing through those rough patches in life. Truth is, I'm still pushing through so I can only advise you on how I'm getting through thus far and those do really help. I may not even be able to direct you on how to get through those rough patches but I will share with you my plans to Spring Forward and make it through my breakthrough with hopes that it can and will encourage you to hold on a little longer and push just a little harder. 

I'm Going Over – Here's How. 

I'll admit, I'm a little weak at times as we all are during vulnerable moments but in all honesty, I play victim too much. I've got to stop that. I create storms and get mad when it starts raining. If that's you as well, we HAVE to get it together boo. That's not cool at all and it causes others around us to handle us differently and when we're finally out of our 'moods' then we become depressed because no one wants to deal with the person always causing problems or looking for attention. Moving forward, I've got to be able to take what I give and if I know within myself I cannot handle something or someone responding to me in the same manner, then perhaps I should not do so in the first place. P.s. that's plan number one. 

Number two, I have to really and I mean really accept the fact that no matter how hard I try to force something, if it's not for me or my time, it's just not for me or not my time – yet. Just like Seasons, everything has its time and the same way I can't force Summer to last forever or Spring to come fast, I can't make my blessings fall in my lap because I believe I'm ready to receive it – that's mad disrespectful to God to be honest. Please, DO NOT watch others around you and envy them because it seems as everything is coming together so quickly for them and here you are constantly putting in the work and it feels like you're being overlooked. Continue to put in the work, in DUE Season what's for you WILL come to you. I've learnt this before and a bit ashamed to say I clearly have forgotten but at least I'm admitting it and acknowledging that going forth, I have to be a little more patient and understanding. EVERYTHING in it's right time. If we can remember that, the pressing and the testing won't be so painful because we would understand, it'll all be over soon and WORTH IT. 

Last but definitely not least, if I'm going to do anything, I have to do it with sincerity. Truthfully, what's the point of doing something if it means nothing to you? Are you really pushing because you want it or are you pushing for it because others have it? And if that's the case, if and when you do get it, what's the value of it to you – nothing, right? This one sort of ties into the second point but differs a bit as well. Are you working towards YOUR goals or others? Are you doing it to prove something to your family members, friends, 'enemies' or is it something you're sincerely passionate about? If you answer any of those questions truthfully to yourself then you will understand the brokenness – and this is where it differs. Every brokenness isn't the same. I'm being broken because I'm pushing for something I desire so much that I need to be purified before I can receive it. Are you being broken for purification as well or is the universe telling you 'hey, take this time to figure out what you really want; get it together in this process and then you can go to the next side.' Going forth now I understand my brokenness and therefore even though it hurts, I flourish in it. I'll keep pushing towards my goals whiles being purified and positioning myself to be ready to receive it with sincerity. 

Again, I can only tell you my plans on how I'm going over and what I've got to do to get there. I've got to stop crying wolf and expecting a rescue when things actually do fall apart. I've got to stop looking at others and being envious – if I'm honest with myself – because one, I do not know how hard they worked for it and two, when it's my time, things will fall into place. And finally, I've got to ensure that everything I'm doing is because I sincerely want to do it and understand that through adversities, we learn who we really are and what we really aspire to achieve/become. It doesn't rain forever – just have to hold on a little longer, and dance in the rain whiles waiting for the sun to shine again. And maybe, just maybe take life's lemons and make some lemonade – with a splash of Vodka haha (Gin for me). 

Chin Ups Loves and Spring Forward! 

Love Always, 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

11th March, 2018
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egqvO6BM-78

For The Love of Tradition...or Traditional Love?

'There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.' - George Sand  

Ladies and Gents it's about that time again – Valentine's Day! The day set aside particularly to show love and appreciation to that special significant other or even friends and family for some; the day of Love. Let's talk. How are you spending said special day? Super excited? Not so much? Or somewhat like me, no big deal? 

Well I for one, as you may know [if you've been reading my latest blogs] am single so I'm not really excited as some may be. Truthfully, I've never really been a fan of Valentine's Day but then again, there are several other holidays/special days that I do not celebrate so it's not being solely singled out here. However, I will share one particular experience that was oh so amazing and forever memorable...and then we will address the topic at hand. 

Flashback to Valentine's Day 2015... 

2015 was a pretty good year for me. Needless to say, yes, I was STILL single back then too haha. My best friend and I was feeling somewhat left out of the whole 'Love Day' thing and thought to ourselves, we don't need to be in love with someone to celebrate the day, hence we decided to treat ourselves; treat indeed it was! Fifty Shades of Grey had recently been released and we were both eagerly anticipating watching it...so we did just that - treated ourselves to a girl's day and enjoyed that sinfully delicious movie. I mean SINFULLY Delicious – but let's not expose the freak....yet. After having such a wonderful time at the movie, we continued the party at lunch/dinner.  

We settled in at a nice little restaurant 'Under the Dock' [a spot famous in Nassau for its various food booths/restaurants]. Let me tell you how incredibly scrumptious the food was as I remember it all in detail; mouth salivating now for a taste. I ordered a nice big plate of crab 'n' rice, fried snapper which was seasoned to perfection, baked macaroni and potato salad – truly a Bahamian classic right there! I really wish I can remember the restaurant's name so you too can go on down and totally enjoy yourself. Unfortunately, I cannot but I will say, there are many great ones out there. Sampled food from quite a few and always enjoyed it. Moving along...so yes, we enjoyed ourselves very much that day, of course cocktails were included. The night ended beautifully and it made me think – does one really have to be romantically involved with someone to take part in and enjoy the festivities of 'Love Day'? Why do we tend to exclude single people out of Valentine's Day or look down on them for being alone particularly on that day? [p.s. being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely but that's another topic for another time] Do we celebrate out of the love of tradition or for genuine love and if so, why isn't everyone included? 

For the Love of Tradition...or Traditional Love? 

Now some may beg to differ with me and that's totally fine. It's one of the many beautiful things about life, we're all entitled to our own opinions. I believe we've all at one point or another, or perhaps still do celebrate or do things simply out of tradition; make it the norm and that's fine in a way and somewhat understandable since we are taught many of the things we do know now. And this is where my question becomes relevant: is it genuine love we show that day or more of, 'damn I have to buy him/her something for Valentine because they will be mad at me if I don't especially if everyone else is getting something?' Does it hold a significant meaning to you? I would really love to know p.s. you can share your thoughts/comments below or on the facebook page – @Akrizia.  

I know many people who do things simply out of tradition with no understanding of its purpose or meaning. Which is one of the reasons as stated earlier, there are several holidays I particularly do not celebrate after learning of its origin and true meaning. Again, I'm not singling out Valentine's Day as one of them for any particular reason, I personally just have never been a fan even when I would be dating, my partner would always know the day serves no purpose to me – just a personal preference, don't think about it too much okay?. I'm weird....a little haha. 

That's not true, let me be honest. I won't omit that out of this read because I once really felt that way and slightly sort of still do but I do think it's deeper than that now that I'm really thinking about it. Yes, I still do somethings out of tradition but as time goes on and I grow, I'm breaking many of those traditions because...

1. They were taught to me and back then you did what you were told with no idea of why (in black homes you NEVER ask why...another silly tradition that sincerely needs to be done away with) and 
2. Knowledge is power; when you KNOW better, you DO better.

With that being said, I think I never really cared for the day simply because I thought it was silly having one day set aside to show love to someone. I always felt if I showed it to you for 364 [365 leap year] solid days, I'm so not upping the antics to be 'extra' on one day. I'm sorry, but I just can't. Never done it and if you're looking forward to dating me, I will tell you now, never will. Hahahahahahahahaha 'oh no she didn't just say that!' - Yes my loves, I did. So what about other holidays you ask? Did I not just say I don't celebrate them either? It's quite a lot of them to be honest, my family knows...if you'd like to know as well which ones and why, feel free to ask...again you can comment below or via facebook. 

I believe that with time in an evolving world, everything becomes so commercialized and the feelings and genuine meanings are being ripped away from these 'special' days/holidays, leaving them as just mere optional days to capitalize on. It's sickening to say the least. Some of the 'histories'/stories of some holidays aren't even true...just sugar coated and presented beautifully packaged to you so you fall prey to their tactics of making you spend, spend, spend, but again, another topic for another day. However, the history behind Valentine's Day is quite interesting and though it goes deep, if you do care to look into it, I can understand the authentic love being shown so for that reason I do not knock anyone who does celebrate it. 

I close by asking you one more time, do you celebrate Valentine's Day for the love of tradition, because it's what everyone else does or does it really hold meaning to you? And if it's true purpose is to show love, why isn't everyone included? Can friends be each other's Valentine to show how much they love each other? What about fathers and daughters? Is it ok for fathers to shower their daughters with gifts and so forth on that day to show them how much they love them?  

If you're going to do anything in life, let it be meaningful, never out of 'tradition' or fear of disappointing someone because of their expectations: do it with thought and with purpose. I love the idea of the day itself, that won't change where I personally stand on it but nonetheless it's beautiful. So, if you're going to honor it, let it be Beautiful! 

Happy Pre-Valentine's Day Loves...do enjoy! 

Love Always,

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

9th February, 2018 

You're Almost 30! When Are You Going To Get Married???

I usually start off with some catchy quote that flows into my writing but I don't have one or correction, chose not to think of one. I'd like to just jump right into this.  

It's true, I'm knocking on 29's door soon enough, all praise be to God and I can honestly say if not for other women, then for myself, it's beyond annoying hearing those words, 'You're Almost 30! When Are You Going To Get Married???' I truly never knew there was a certain cut-off age to get married – or so many would like to make one think. I mean growing up yes, I've had examples of young people getting married – I mean my grandmother was married at the age of 20 and my mother (real talk I don't know exactly LOL), but it was definitely before 30. However, I was never taught that it was a Must-Do. My mother always just wanted me to be happy. 

Now I will admit I did have somewhat of an idea of the age I would've preferred to be married and that was 25. Why? I honestly do not know but I thought it was an ideal age...not too young but quote unquote not too old either. I actually made a deal with God *big laughter, as if one can make deals with God* but no, for real, I did, well mentally anyways. I would always tell Him I would like to be married by 25 and if I am, then marriage and family would become my life. The other part of the deal was, if I'm not married by 25, then my work and ambitions would become my life and marriage and children would just have to wait until I'm where I want to be, career-wise. I know, I did say big laughter lol you don't have to laugh too but it did seem like a fair deal. 

Anyways... 

So yea, at 18 I barely was allowed to date. The 20's rolled in and everyone still wants you to stay focused on work and no rush for relationships or children. 24 hits and dad wants to know when am I bringing home someone for him to meet (bear in mind of course I am dating, but I don't introduce people to my family so quick). And then the rest of the 20's keep flowing and it's no longer about finding someone, the questions direct to having children *roll eyes* - with whom if I'm single, not even dating like C'MON! Now 28 and the age-old annoying, irrelevant to what's really going on in my life question keeps popping up and I want to blow a fuse! 

I'm currently single and I enjoy saying that. I'm doing exactly what my 'deal' haha stated and I'm amazed at the leaps and bounds I've made thus far. With that being said, no it does not mean I do not want a relationship, marriage or children. It simply means my focus have shifted to not being so concern with who I'm with but more of who I am and who I'm becoming. Before I can be good or of use to anyone, I must first be good to me. 

I never loved myself before so yes, I've kissed a few frogs in the past hoping they would turn into Prince Charming, knowing they wouldn't but being insecure and full of self-hate, accepting them anyways. I am no longer that girl. I'm no longer that woman. I've grown, miraculously I will say, and I am no longer willing to accept mediocre love just to say I have someone or push for marriage because the world thinks I'm passing said appropriate age. Don't get me wrong, I am indeed open to dating of course. But unlike before, I will not continue on with someone when I see the red flags blatantly waving in my face. I admire young couples getting married; it's adorable but different strokes for different folks. 

I'm not against marriage at all. I love it, I respect it and I believe in the sanctity of it BUT I'm not about to rush into it just to accommodate everyone else's feelings simply because I'm 'Almost 30'. Marriage doesn't have an expiration date, well not to my knowledge and let's not get Biblical here because some of you would've broken said vows and the sanctity of marriage way before you actually got married BUT, I do not live in pettyville (just saying). 

When I get married, I want the 'forever thing'. I know, I know, many say it too BUT I mean it. I do not believe in divorce amoungst many other things. Marriage, like any relationship is a responsibility. For some it can be a liability, others an asset but either way, you must be held accountable for your part. I don't want to rush into a sinking ship. Let me explain whiles I wrap this up – many marriages fail because so many are ill-prepared for the work that goes into it. Let's take commitment for one, I cannot speak on marriage although next to financial reasons, commitment is one of the leading reasons why the divorce rate is so high but anyways – many are afraid of the thought of being with one person forever. If that's you, take a little more time for yourself. I for one am not that person and I'm not just saying that either, I've always felt that way. But after failed relationships because of lack of commitment on their end, I do not want to be the only one feeling that way. I want someone who's certain they want to be with me and love me forever despite our ups and downs. 

And then you have another major deal-breaker, financial problems. I've seen and known many who go into marriages broke. To me, that makes absolutely, positively no (excuse my language) gawddamn sense! Yes, we're marrying for love and all that good stuff but let's just keep it real folks, if you yourself are not financially stable, how do you really see it all playing out? I am so for the 'build together' thing but honey, chal please!!! If YOU cannot or do not have means to sustain YOUR OWN SELF, please leave the people 'dem chirren alone – yes, I had to use my Bahamian colloquial terms in there because I know, around the world or not, you guys will understand. Marriage isn't a 50/50 thing. It's 100/100. All of you and all of me – no cliché song just stating facts. 

I'll touch another point briefly because again as stated, past relationships have shown me this problem and I'm so not here for it! As a woman, I want to be respected as your partner and confidant, NOT as your servant! Again, if you want to get Biblical, you can but we will go back and forth all day and the only point I'm trying to bring across is that just like you, I am human. I want to be respected as a human-being NOT just the level you think I should be respected as a 'woman'. Many marriages fail because of this or causes infidelity because the other partner, let's just say for the sake of my point women go looking for the love and respect from other men that they're not getting at home. I for one am so against infidelity on any level so I do not agree with their decisions but I do somewhat understand. Before I put myself in a position to be belittled or looked at as less than because I am a woman, I'd rather just be alone. And no, it's not easier said than done. Actually, it's that simple. 

I would love to get married someday and look into the face of the soul I'd be spending the rest of my life with, raising my children with, standing before my God with and taking our sacred vows – that'd be beautiful and I pray that it's in my future. His plans however are greater than mines so I can only trust in Him and His timing. Until then, 30 or not, I'm Gucci babes...life's good and I'm just rolling with the punches! 

Love Always, 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith  
11th January, 2018

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas...when I got HIGH!’

So everyone’s planning to go out - all dressed up, plans secured and heading out...and there I am, wondering, ‘what shall I do?’. Let me first just say, I’m not a stoner or do I encourage it BUT we all have our addictions/ habits right? Well, let’s just jump into it.

I LEAN….

‘OMG, why would you do such a silly thing?’ - HOLD UP...you can stop reading right there if you’re going to judge, Ok?. Yea, I know, you wanted to hear more hahaha. Anyways, my favorite thing to have whiles unwinding would usually be a nice cold Kalik Gold or Gin and Pink Grapefruit Juice [strong stuff, I know]...but I figured, what the hell - ‘tis the season’, let’s turn it up a notch. I’m not one to lean[if you don’t know what that is, don’t worry about it] that often but it’s been a while and I thought it was the perfect occasion to do so. So yea, poured it up, beautiful pink of course and sipped whiles watching my fav - How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Even though the heading states the night before Christmas, I was just running wild LOL so indeed, I took it over to Christmas Day.

Chocolate Brownie Heaven...or so I thought…

It’s Christmas Day. I’m somewhat FADED, FADED, FADED ha but focused enough to push through. It’s boring...Mum’s in Nassau with the others, Dad’s at work and I’m home all alone thinking, ‘there’s GOT to be more than this on a Christmas Day.’ Thankfully, I got friends who actually come through LOL and they sure did. So yay, I’m no longer spending Christmas alone. We’re all chilling having a great time and there I see, Chocolate Browniesssssss - NO, not the usual...the sinfully delish ones. I’m ‘gon just be honest, I’ve tried them before but it never seemed to work on me. So I figured, yea yea, it’s going to be the same. NOT! Haha, so I bite into one and man that was so delicious. I’m thinking, since I’m not feeling anything right away, I can still sip on my beers right? Hmmmm. Few hours later, still nothing...so, being the dare-devil that I am, I say, let me try another. Let’s just say, I didn’t finish that one, barely ate half. Few moments later, first let me ask, is there really a cloud nine? And if so, can one reach higher than that? Hahahahahahahahahaha. Straight trippingggggggggggggggggg LOL. It’s a few minutes from half time and everything’s spinning. My friend’s watching the game and I don’t want to disturb him so I have to convince myself to keep calm until half time. I recall us having a conversation but then again I’m saying ‘huh?’ and he’s like ‘girl what?’...yea Krizia, you fxxked up ha. Yayyyy, half time is here and I’m coherent enough to say I’m ready to go home. I know within myself I cannot stay to that party in that state. I reach home - everything seems normal but I’m still in this ‘did I not just do this?’ state...I lay down...and it begins…

I’m DYING or maybe not.

My body is on FIRE! I’m talking about HOT! HOT! HOT! ‘Krizia it’s just your mind, relax.’ - ‘No damnit, I’m dying.’ - LOL thinking about it now makes me chuckle, told you guys I have a weird sense of humor but at that very moment, there was nothing funny about it. I really thought I was dying, my heart felt like it was about to burst in my chest. I was sweating insanely, then getting very cold immediately afterwards. My head was still spinning as well as everything else. I’m hearing conversations, having them actually then moments later wondering if I was really having them or not. I was laughing and crying at the SAME DAMN TIME. I was GONE yo! I’m talking to myself telling myself to calm down, relax and sleep. Ok, it’s sort of working...but then I start thinking, what if I don’t wake up? And the panic is back. I’m drinking endless amounts of water because my mouth is dry as ever. I’m thinking, ‘this is it, you really went overboard Krizia smt.’ I’m messaging anyone I can even though I’m shaking like crazy and could barely type. I just want someone to know and just in case I really am tripping, I can make reference to it in the morning if or when I come to.

Morning Comes...Yes Lord.

I don’t know when or exactly how I fell asleep but thank God I did. Otherwise, I really would’ve driven myself crazy panicking. I’m feeling better...some stuff still doubling up but happy for the most part, I remembered everything and I’m home. The amount of prayers I sent up that night, I trust that God would work in my favor and He DID. LOL, ok so perhaps it may seem I was a bit extra, but truthfully, I’ve never been high in my life! People consider the feeling similar to leaning but it’s not. From my experience and those that I do know lean, it’s a somber feeling, relaxing feeling - perhaps it’s the same with the other but I guess for me pairing the two together, it took me on a journey that I was so not prepared for. I mean I was completely caught off guard ha. Needless to say, it was one of the promises I made to never do again and I will stick to that. Everyone’s experience is different so I can assume many may not be able to relate but for me, that was more than enough.

How Was My Christmas?

Well I’m not a fan of the holiday that much, although I really wanted some stuffing which I DID NOT get hmph but anyways….It was pretty ok. Had a great time, chilling with amazing friends and clearly getting higher than life itself. It was an experience whiles I will not regret it, one I don’t fancy to go through again. BUT nonetheless, my holiday was pretty ok. Of course work follows suit the day after for me which I don’t mind...spend a good much on booze itself lol so I’ve got making up to do. All in all, I’m grateful I’ve lived to see another one and as we all eagerly anticipate seeing the New Year, I’m wishing you all lots of love and happiness from here on out. Live a little, laugh a lot and always be grateful - The Best Is Yet To Come!

Love Always,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

27th December, 2017

Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You.

They say if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything. I disagree. I say, 'say it anyways'. The fact of the matter is, truth hurts...it always will, but I'd rather you tell me the truth than comfort me with a lie. Now I do agree with saying things in a respectful manner and we all know that can be done. So, if you have something to say whether hurtful or not, respectfully/tastefully, SAY IT! 

Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You.... 

I want to keep my blogs uplifting and inspiring but there's so much I need to get out [truthfully] before I can share the good parts. I do not want to seem like the bitter blogger nor do I want to be the one who seems to share absolutely everything with the world BUT at the same time, I want to be real with my readers. I talk about self-empowerment and releasing hurt to better oneself but I seldom ever follow such advice, sad to say...but now I'm ready. Not only do I owe honesty to my readers but indeed, to myself. 

You won't read this perhaps...everything I've ever said to you seemed to fall on deaf ear but me writing this is a way of healing for me and releasing my anger, hate, frustration, confusion and pain... 

So, Dear Dad... 

I needed you. Always needed you. Thought how blessed I was to be raised in a home with both parents and not that co-parenting stuff UNTIL I was old enough or perhaps wise enough to realize it's really not all that 'glitz and glamoured' up as it seems. Sure, the world may think it's cool; they even consider it privileged but no one knows besides the people who actually live and deal with it. You're a great man, always have been and perhaps forever will be....to everyone else. 

I needed you. Needed you to stand up for me. Needed you to be there for me and please don't think financial support was/is enough because truthfully, it isn't. Some think it is, well, from a crying child inside a 28 year old adult, I'll tell you, it's not. 

I fell in love with the bad guy, and the bad guy, and the bad guy again....I was mistreated, verbally and physically abused but I needed to love the hardworking bad guy because I didn't know what love was from a man. I didn't know how a Queen was supposed to be treated....never saw it happen to my mum and definitely not to me. So yea, there I was, accepting anything from the bad guy because a little bit of love was better than no love at all. 

I gave the bad guy everything, as I was trained to – my heart, my time, cooked, cleaned, made sure the bad guy was comfortable and happy whilst I was miserable and depressed. But that's life right? 

As I stated, I'm 28 years old now so I really can't blame anyone for the choices I've made, but I do wish you would've shown me better. When I started cutting myself, you never said anything. A year later you mentioned it and just said, 'don't do that shit, it's not good, people talk.' It was always this perfect image we had to uphold but there I was, crying for help - not just any help 'cause you guys will probably say where was mum. She was there, always there...my number one fan but I wasn't seeking her love or approval, I already had it – I was looking for you. 

I know, you've said it before and I don't or won't know if you regret it but I'm the daughter you never wanted to have. 'Though it hurt when I heard it, had to suck it up...I'm the kid you wanted aborted...BUT OH TO BE KEPT BY JESUS. We're humans, we say things we don't mean and have feelings that are only for the moment. BUT, you could've treated me/or pretend to treat me like I was your babygirl – being your first and only daughter. You call me it, you tell the world it now – although I don't know which world because so many still don't know you actually have a daughter [experienced that again yesterday, quite annoying to be honest]. 

There are scars on my heart and memories that won't seem to erase and I wanted to be detailed so you can truly understand how I've been feeling all these years but there's just so much to say and right now...don't even care to make the time. 

But I'll Say This... 

I forgive you – Forgive you for every hurtful thing you've ever said and I couldn't say anything back because you taught me to speak when spoken to, otherwise shut up and that women are beneath men so we aren't/supposed to answer back anyways. Forgive you, for not being to any of my school events or accomplishments because you were too busy 'working' yet you made it to all of your 'favorite'/first son [the one you really wanted] stuff. Forgive you for ignoring my cries for YOUR attention and when you finally looked, you ignored it again. Forgive you for not even caring when I tried to commit suicide; your only concern when you came to visit me was you noticing I wasn't home and I was supposed to wash your clothes. Forgive you for allowing your 'Joseph' to continually walk all over me and disrespect me and tell me how I'm not your child and so forth. Forgive you for never showing me true love and in return I seeked love from people who only hurt me and destroyed me. I can't ever hold you accountable for the things that I've done or the choices I've made but then again, I somewhat do. I needed you and you weren't/still aren't there... 

So, Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You. 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

3rd December, 2017

28 and Broke! BUT, Optimistic.

"If I'm going to fall, I don't want to fall back on anything except my faith; I want to fall forward." - Denzel Washington 

Things that make you go, 'Hmmm....' 

While delivering his speech to the 2011 Graduating Class of The University of Pennsylvania, Denzel Washington said such powerful words, encouraging them to fall forward. He went on to say how he disliked when people, in particular elderly family members would say, 'make sure you have something to fall back on now.' I too have always disliked such advice. Although it may seem wise or safe to do which is ok, it allows room for complacency to settle in and we see so often many not really reaching/ discovering their full potential because they become comfortable with the mindset of, ' well if this doesn't work, at least I'll have something to fall back on.' At times they won't even try at all. 

The first time I heard his speech was when I moved back home to Grand Bahama in 2015. I would stay by my cousin from time to time and literally every morning she would play his speech. EVERY MORNING! I immediately feel in love with it as it did something to me. Finally, someone with a platform {well grander than mines at the moment} was encouraging others to be and do the things I've been trying to express to those around me my whole life. I know the saying is true that they won't listen to you until someone else says it, which for me is fine as long as the message is understood. 

2016. 

My job title of Sales Associate and Graphic Artist {some years later}, I held for a consecutive eight years, nine in total within the same establishment. Whiles I am indeed forever grateful for such an opportunity, I constantly went back and forth with my desires of leaving and finding something new, exciting or preferably {now} just doing my own thing: The Entrepreneur Thing. During those years, the only thing that kept me from venturing out were those same nagging words, 'make sure you have something to fall back on' and 'you don't leave sure for unsure.' -rolls eyes- 

I'm more vocal now than I was back then but in my mind, I always screamed, 'besides the grave, there's nothing sure/certain.' Some may argue with me but that's another topic for another day that I won't entertain. {Sorry if that seems rude} 

But Anyways... 

So yea, here I am on this job feeling suffocated. I couldn't breathe, not because there was always people around because there wasn't, but because I was no longer happy, comfortable, complacent. I was suffocating myself with the thoughts and plans of others when all I really wanted to do was 'fall forward...take a shot...enjoy the risk...just do it!' 

I didn't come to my decision easy but nonetheless I had to make it. I resigned from my job – I'd say quit but indeed I did it the formal way {notice and everything} September 2016. Now of course there were many who thought I was insane leaving a 'sure job' without having another lined up first but I couldn't and didn't pay them any attention. I just couldn't do it anymore! The pay was fairly decent, atmosphere ok but I just couldn't breathe! I needed out. Now you're probably thinking based on the title, '28 and Broke!', perhaps I made the wrong decision. Nope. It was the best decision I've ever made in my life and I would do it over and over again. My last day was a Monday and by that Saturday of the same week I was flying off to Abaco for another job which I got offered immediately during the interview. Not boasting or bragging but I knew I would. And just like that, on to something new. 

The Problem. 

The new job came with certain perks that I was ok with as well as some things that I wasn't interested in getting used to but I made it work. How then, I'm doing what I thought I wanted, taking the risk, trying something new, starting off with a pay I demanded and still not happy? 

Things that make you go, 'Hmmm...' 

I discovered very quickly that finding another job or working for another company wasn't what I really wanted. I wasn't uncomfortable with the establishments {for the most part}, I was uncomfortable with me. I was disappointed with me and finding 'another job' wasn't going to fix the problem. The problem was simple: I became the person I never wanted to be. I was always the over-achiever, the girl with big ambitions and strong drive, the girl who got things done and was never afraid of putting her all into her dreams because she believed, 'all or nothing babe.' Yet here I was, on another man's job, fulfilling another man's dream and neglecting my own. Here I was conforming to complacency again. 

Now please do not get me wrong, everyone has to start from somewhere. To say we all can't be 'bosses', I'd disagree with that but no doubt, somebody's got to work. So indeed there's nothing wrong with having a job/ working for someone, but like feelings, it's dangerous when a job has/consumes you. 

They called me Spongebob on my previous job. Yup, they laughed at me. How I always made sure I got things done, went the extra mile almost always and never late. In fact, I'd usually be an hour – hour and a half early and hardly ever took sick days even when I felt like death himself. That's when the job has/consumes you. You eat, sleep and breathe the job, putting aside your own personal aspirations to ensure someone else's own is accomplished. Some may say that's just a really good employee, I call it being a fool! {I'm being rude again...I know} 

No doubt I was an excellent employee and my pay raises, coming from the horse's mouth proved that, but being honest with myself, I was a damn fool! I gave everything, all of me to the job and neglected my own goals. 

P.S. I got fired from my new job in Abaco three weeks later. I'm laughing at it now but trust me, that was so not funny then. Well fired is pretty strong of a word, I can sugar coat it like they did but I won't.... Fired. Had a few disagreements with management and truthfully, I just lost interest. I knew it showed on my face and maybe I should've left on my own but I did try to make it work. Clearly, it didn't. So there I was, back at the drawing board. Job offers came as they always did and I'm again grateful but they just weren't what I was willing to give my all to again. 

The Heart to Heart Conversation. 

I had to sit down with myself and sincerely talk to me; call me crazy but I love expert advice. I needed to know exactly what it was Akrizia wanted out of life and what she was willing to sacrifice to achieve it. 

I've had a million dreams and things I wanted to do but I can assure you, no way in hell did I ever saw Graphics being one of them. In fact, I hated designing on my previous job, partly because I had no idea what I was doing {self-taught} and because it was forced on me to be honest {I hate doing things by force}. So yea, I really didn't see myself owning my own Design Company...but oh Lord when opportunity stops knocking, two words: Create It. 

2017. 

Why am I still doing it then if I previously hated it? 

Because I love it now. 

Keep in mind, it was not one of the things I aspired to do and since I had to teach myself how to do it, it annoyed me. When I finally was able to do it on my own terms, I became intrigued. I loved learning how to do it. I studied, YouTube {my fav}, got certifications and found a way to make it work for me, literally. Now let me just throw this out there ok so you all know, starting something new, particularly a whole company on your own is very risky, time consuming and expensive! And when you're broke, it’s the worst! Haha. Expensive how? Well you've got to invest in yourself loves. You know the saying, 'You've got to spend money to make money.'? It's true. I guarantee you 'though, it'll be the best money you'll ever spend and perhaps not for some but for me, you'll enjoy it! 

Why 28 and Broke then? 

Well loves, it's an uphill climb. There won't always be sunny days and let's face it, sometimes you will invest more in than what you get back, but that's ok! That's just the way life goes. Paired with somewhat of a struggling economy, you're going to have to branch out a little more as well {hint, hint – we've introduced Marketing to the Company}. The overall thing one must become aware of before they venture out or please learn early on is how to be financially literate. Trust me on this one, it's a must! Whiles you're still reading, please put 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What The Rich Teach Their Kids About Money That The Poor and Middle Class Do Not.' By Robert T. Kiyosaki on your book list, thank me later! That book gave me life and life again. 

I'm going to wrap this up because it really wasn't my intentions to be so long, sorry LOL. Why fall forward then if there's going to be ups and downs? Life is full of ups and downs whether you're chasing your dreams or not. If you haven't noticed that by now, I don't know who you are but good job or in other words, 'kudos to you!' The rest of us however have experienced ups, downs, ins, outs and all that lies in between no matter the situation i.e. on another man's job or your own. Fall forward because it's really not as scary as they'd have you believe. Headaches? Yes. Tired? OMG. Starving at times? Possibly, especially if you've been reckless with money as I have. Wanting to give up and just do the norm? Absolutely. Then why keep going? It's the liberating feeling you get when you know you're finally putting your all into what it is you said you would do or in my case, discovered something you actually enjoy doing even when you thought you wouldn't. 

I'm trying to wrap my brain around a powerful quote to end with but it's not coming together so I'll leave you with some simple truth: 

I'm a 28-year-old Graphic Artist/ Marketing Consultant with my own company 'Akrizia Designs', soon to officially launch my workout gear Fat2Fab by my second company, SAM Activewear who currently lives on dad's couch, literally {all the rooms are taken lol} writing this blog to inspire you. No, I didn't have something to fall back on because loves, bills still have to pay and contributions still have to be made all while I'm 'hustling' and investing in myself to make the dream come true. 

Why optimistic then? 

I'm not exactly where or as far as I'd prefer to be in life and I can only blame myself for that, no prob. However, I now have a clear view of where I'm headed and I can assure you, the future looks mighty bright and beautiful! Again, I stand firm on the belief that there are no sureties in life but I'll promise you this, you'll never know if you don't ever try. Like they say, 'If you don't ask, the answer will always be no.' I'll say, if you don't take the chance, embrace the risk and fall forward, you'll forever live with what if's. Ahhh...and there, I've found one - 'A life without risk is like no life at all.' - Demi Moore {Indecent Proposal 1993} Just knew something would tie in. Be encouraged loves...and fall forward. 

Love Always, 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

14th October, 2017 

4AM - OMG, I was THAT Girl!

4AM – OMG, I was THAT Girl! 

Now I'm certain many of you know, if not, have heard some parts of Melanie Fiona's song – 4AM. Don't play shy...'It's 4AM and my lover won't answer; he's probably somewhere with some dancer sippin' champagne while I'm in his bed.' - Yeah, I know you know that part LOL. 

Wellllllllll, it's Storytime Guys! So, let's begin. 

Once upon a time not long ago, I was THAT girl! Yes! Me. I have an awkward sense of humor. I laugh at things now that back then, in the moment, cut me so deep. Some may say it's not funny ever but to me, I get over it. So, this story and sharing it with you all brings me great humor. Anyways, so I was dating this guy and I think it's safe to say, we were in love, well so I thought. 

Like every relationship that has its ups and downs, ours was no different but we managed to work through them. Truth is, we were friends prior to actually being in a relationship. He was always in love with me apparently (according to him and everyone else). I knew but I was young and focused on my studies and needless to say, the 'good girl'. Yes, I sort of hated that term but oh well, it kept the douche bags away. 

Let's keep it going... 

Bringing you up to speed, now we're both pass the awkward stage and heavy in a relationship. Thought what the hell we're both grown and interested, sure why not right? Wrong! Some relationships are better left as just friends. Otherwise, if it fails, you jeopardize everything. 

It's Party Night! 

We're all over for a weekend of fun at his house. All of his friends, my friends; just loving ourselves. I'm not the girl who tells her boyfriend he cannot go out but in the spirit of things, I thought it was appropriate to do so. I mean, I'm home by him, lots of other people there, no need to leave me there with them, right? He agreed and we chilled and did 'couple's stuff' LOL AKA 'Netflix and Chill'. 

Anywayssssssssss... 

I knew his work friends (Squaddies smt) were still calling him to go out with them but he said to me he wasn't going. Nonetheless, he went! Yup, he sure did. It was 12AM and the call came through. I was supposed to be asleep but I don’t sleep that hard so the ring woke me up but I didn't make it known. He's probably thinking then, 'my girl's sleeping, she won’t even notice I'm gone.' Wrong! I watched him get ready and everythangggg! Now you're probably thinking, why didn’t I say anything....what was there for me to say hmmm, 'You can't go?'. He's a grown man, clearly, he had his mind made up. 

Don't want to be long-winded so let's try to finish this... 

He's gone and I'm up PISSED! FUMMING! I tried calling after a few hours but of course, his phone is now turned off. I wanted to be 'Krazy Krizia' but I didn't know where to begin. I mean, he left, didn't say anything, had no idea where he was going or who with exactly, so I did the only thing (at that time) I could...Wait. 

4AM Arrives – OMG and he's still not home. Okay, maybe he got hurt, a fight broke out or something, I mean these things happen all the time. I'm in panic mood now; no longer angry but concerned. I'm calling but it's useless, his phone is still turned off. I'm rocking back and forth - 'Krazy Krizia' is kicking in: not the 'nigga I'll cut you' side but the 'Lord please, please let everything be okay' side. 

It's 6AM. 

I'm tire as hell, fighting back sleep but I know I have to stay up just in case there's a call or he comes home and there's a good explanation. 

Oh, he comes home... 

All smiling and ish. I'm like, 'dude, is you serious?' (yeah, the ghetto comes out LOL). He's all, 'babe I had to go, they kept calling me and blah blah blah!' I politely got up from out of his bed and walked out of the room. This story gets too juicy but out of respect for some, even though I really shouldn't, I'll just let bygones be bygones. 

You want to know if he cheated huh? 

Well, I can’t confirm anything if I wasn't there but perhaps fellas, when you’re doing your dirt, make sure it's with people you can trust. I mean he always said how his friends secretly liked me and would do anything to tear us apart. I always assured him my love was for him and what they tried or did never mattered to me. But oh boy, they couldn't wait to tell me about that night. I was told about it the next day in fact, full details. 

Whiles to them or so they thought, this would be the perfect opportunity for me to leave him and be open to dating, they never considered the heartbreak it would bring. I was devastated! I couldn't believe that after all these years of loving and pursuing, finally having me, there, he risked it all for one night of fun with wolves who was waiting for his downfall; setting the perfect trap. 

There I was laying in his bed waiting for him to come home while he was out bragging about this 'good girl' he has home waiting in bed for him. WOW! 

It wasn't 4AM to be exact but 4/6 same thing LOL, well the story is still similar. 

Did it birth a new me? 

Sorta Kinda. Truth is, I'll never stop loving the way I love or perhaps (I said perhaps) trusting the way I trust, but I did learn two valuable lessons: 

1. No matter how good you are, you'll never be good enough for the man/woman who isn’t ready for you. Yes, I know, people make mistakes but then and now, it seemed to be a clear-cut conscious decision.  And...                                                                                         
2. People can love you and still hurt you. I'm certain we have all done so to someone we've claimed to love at some point in our lives. I hold no one at fault for that, after all, we're only humans. 

But, I want you to think about this the next time you're about to make a decision that may bring pain to someone you love whether family, friend or lover – Is it worth losing everything? The friendship? The relationship? The happy moments? The 'I can't live without this person' feeling? The 'I know it's been years but I'm still trying to make it right with her because I know she genuinely loved me and was the one' feeling? 

And that's how I knew it wasn't worth it 🙂. But such is life and it goes on with me now smiling and laughing at a heartbreak that repaired so beautifully. 

4AM...yup, I was THAT girl! 

Love ya Freaks! 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

1st October, 2017