Year 30. The Valley.

'Ye though’ I walk through the valley of shadow of death, I shall forever no evil for Thou art with me.’ 

Let’s Begin. 

 

Feels like I've been walking through the valley for quite some time now. I’m hours into Year 31 Praise God and I can honestly say, Year 30 damn near killed me – what a rollercoaster ride. 

 

They say ‘you take the good, you take the bad; you take ‘em both and there you have the facts of life’...hmmm, well then, let’s start with... 

 

The Bad. 

 

Year 30 should’ve started like most of the milestone years – super optimistic with fun plans to celebrate but no, it did not! It started with pain. A year prior, my body went through drastic changes which Doctors believed to be Lupus. We tested for it and after months of ups & downs (we’ll talk about the health care system some other time hmph), the initial test results were inconclusive but a second test was ordered because the symptoms continued to progress rapidly. 

 

Needless to say, I spent the entire month of August 2019 sick in bed. I couldn’t move, could barely breathe at times, couldn’t get up to even bathe myself or eat where I was in so much pain; I was sleep deprived and utterly miserable. The was pain was like the saying goes, ‘from the crown of my head to the sole of my feet!’ To top it all off, being one who suffers from irregular cycles, dealing with ‘her’ ALL month did not make my misery any easier. I cried Everyday! 

 

It Gets Worst... 

 

Hurricane Dorian, Category 5+ Storm – considered one of the worst ever, was scheduled to make landfall here in Grand Bahama on September 1st, 2019. I remember that day clearly because that was the day my cycle had finally stopped (tmi but not really) and I felt like the happiest person alive until I realized, ‘oh damn, there’s a beast heading our way!’ 

 

I won’t go into full details of my personal ordeal during that storm (will share another time) but do know, I literally fought for my life during that storm and wanted to give up swimming through those dirty, murky waters, but MERCY said NO! 

 

Prior to the storm, the beginning of August I had just moved and about 95% of my belongings were already there. After the storm, that home and my belongings were no more. I went into a severe depression afterwards – I honestly didn’t think I was going to come out. Again, from one of my previous FB Post, my sincerest thanks to the Samaritan’s Purse Staff & Crew for their amazing love and support – wouldn’t have made it through without them. 

 

Fast Forward to 2020

 

Now I know everyone had high hopes of this being their ‘year’...I did too. It’s been a very long time since I've traveled and that’s all I wanted to do, until... 

 

Covid 19. 

 

I’m making my plans, getting ready to see a friend I haven’t seen in years and just trade over the sunny skies for some snow then BAM – the Country goes on Lockdown. I honestly looked up and was like, ‘No man God, this is a joke, right? Like I need a break yo!’ Sadly, nothing was or is funny about this Pandemic going on and my thoughts and prayers are with those suffering and who have suffered losses from it. 

 

The Good (finally).

 

Last week (and off and on for a few months) I suffered an extreme nervous breakdown – it's one of the worst I've literally ever experienced in my life. It was to the point where I wanted to be institutionalized because I couldn’t control anything anymore. I was a wreck! I know you’re probably wondering where’s the good in that – hold on. When I finally came to after crying endlessly for days, I said to myself, ‘you’ve finally reached the breaking point, it’s either going to make you or break you, what are you gonna do?’ 

 

It was in that moment that I realized who I was... 

 

I’m a Survivor! I’ve been through hell and back but still standing. 

 

I’m a Warrior! I’ve fought so many battles, too many to count but yet still I rise. 

 

My scars, they do tell a story! Life has tried and perhaps will continue to try it’s best to break me but I'll still be here. 

 

And ‘ye though’ I walk through the valley; I will fear no evil! Thou have promised to prepare a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. 

 

Enemies can be sickness, confusion, mental breakdowns, setbacks in life – not always people per say but in the midst of your adversities, He reminds you He’s ultimately in control. 

 

Year 30. 

 

I had no idea how Year 30 would end and I can honestly say, I did not enjoy the ride - it’s been a hell of a ride! It’s been two years now since I've written so this is a good sign that things are looking up and I'm getting it together. I’m staying productive with my business at home – highs and lows as usual but that’s life. 

 

I’m ending this simple but serious – Please stay safe everyone and keep your heads up; the best is truly yet to come! Here’s to Year 31 – Forever Young. 

Love Always,

Akrizia (Something About Mary)

Spring Forward

Yesssssssss! Welcome to my favorite time of the year – DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME! I know many of you do NOT share this much enthusiasm with me lol but nonetheless, you guys should've learned by now to adjust. But yes, Dolls and Gents, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE when time 'Springs Forward'. Of course, perhaps you might be thinking it's just an hour extra of daytime but to me it's so much more. Granted the fact that during the segment when time 'Falls Backward' and it's already dark by 6pm – which is crazy – I look forward to more Sun time (Merbabe) with night falling closer to 8pm and I just honestly feel like I get more done during this time because let's keep it real (for some of us), once we see darkness, we think work time is over – yes we have to do better but still lol you understand. 

 I've had writer's block for about a month now and I was trying desperately to keep up with my blogging but being uninspired and quite busy at the same time – ALL Praise be to God – things just weren't coming together. I honestly woke up this morning not even noticing the time had change as I stated earlier, I'm just so adjusted to expecting it too plus my body has thing where it ALWAYS wakes up at 6am sharp (but again it's been programmed into doing so from high school days). With all that being said, I said to myself, I need to blog but what am I going to write about? These past few weeks have been emotionally and spiritually challenging for me and I felt so overwhelmed that many things I had plan to accomplish during such time was put on the back burner as I couldn't function to properly execute them. Then I asked myself another question after 'what am I going to blog about', I said 'Krizia, you've got to push forward, you've got to get through this' and ah, there – Spring Forward. 

How Are You Planning to SPRING FORWARD? 

Are you currently in a funk as I am? Nothing intentional, life just at times throws us lemons and we're not really in the mood for making lemonade, or perhaps just don't have the energy to do so at the moment. Yea, I know – it threw me some lemons and I was just like 'sigh, leave them on the floor, I'm tired right now.' It happens, DO NOT beat yourself up about it! We ALL go through Seasons of being uninspired and feeling broken. Brokenness is a beautiful thing though if we understand its necessity at times. But the question is, how are you going to get from said state to the next? Do you know what's got you there in the first place – what's troubling your spirit? How are you planning to PUSH through it until you've reached that breakthrough that's on the other side? And trust me, there's a breakthrough there otherwise you wouldn't be going through the valley in the first place. 

I have a few daily routines I do to help me make it through the day, especially through the ones that are more difficult than others. I'll gladly share them with you in hopes that it brings you some comfort as well. 

• First thing I do when I wake up EVERY Morning is say, 'Thank You Lord.' - it might sound like something simple but believe me, it's well deserved and it instantly brightens my day. 
• Immediately following that, without getting out of bed or anything, I listen to Denzel Washington's 'Fall Forward' speech. There's a short put together version, all of 6 or so minutes on Youtube (will post the link below) that helps me so much throughout the day as it plays in my head constantly. I usually follow up with some TD Jakes or other Motivational Speaker. 
• During some time in the middle of the day, I get up from my desk and stretch, just to work the kinks out – again, nothing major but it helps. 
• I drink LOTS of water – haha please don't judge me with this one but we all know the healthy benefits plus it just makes me feel refreshed and clears my head a little. 
• And lastly, before I go to bed, another Thank You to God doesn't hurt at all plus I finish off with The Golden Girls. A little comedy is always good for the soul. Find something that you laugh to over and over again and fall asleep to that. I sleep well, believe me. 

Now those are just a few simple daily things I do to set a positive attitude for the work day but that in itself is not my total solution for pushing through those rough patches in life. Truth is, I'm still pushing through so I can only advise you on how I'm getting through thus far and those do really help. I may not even be able to direct you on how to get through those rough patches but I will share with you my plans to Spring Forward and make it through my breakthrough with hopes that it can and will encourage you to hold on a little longer and push just a little harder. 

I'm Going Over – Here's How. 

I'll admit, I'm a little weak at times as we all are during vulnerable moments but in all honesty, I play victim too much. I've got to stop that. I create storms and get mad when it starts raining. If that's you as well, we HAVE to get it together boo. That's not cool at all and it causes others around us to handle us differently and when we're finally out of our 'moods' then we become depressed because no one wants to deal with the person always causing problems or looking for attention. Moving forward, I've got to be able to take what I give and if I know within myself I cannot handle something or someone responding to me in the same manner, then perhaps I should not do so in the first place. P.s. that's plan number one. 

Number two, I have to really and I mean really accept the fact that no matter how hard I try to force something, if it's not for me or my time, it's just not for me or not my time – yet. Just like Seasons, everything has its time and the same way I can't force Summer to last forever or Spring to come fast, I can't make my blessings fall in my lap because I believe I'm ready to receive it – that's mad disrespectful to God to be honest. Please, DO NOT watch others around you and envy them because it seems as everything is coming together so quickly for them and here you are constantly putting in the work and it feels like you're being overlooked. Continue to put in the work, in DUE Season what's for you WILL come to you. I've learnt this before and a bit ashamed to say I clearly have forgotten but at least I'm admitting it and acknowledging that going forth, I have to be a little more patient and understanding. EVERYTHING in it's right time. If we can remember that, the pressing and the testing won't be so painful because we would understand, it'll all be over soon and WORTH IT. 

Last but definitely not least, if I'm going to do anything, I have to do it with sincerity. Truthfully, what's the point of doing something if it means nothing to you? Are you really pushing because you want it or are you pushing for it because others have it? And if that's the case, if and when you do get it, what's the value of it to you – nothing, right? This one sort of ties into the second point but differs a bit as well. Are you working towards YOUR goals or others? Are you doing it to prove something to your family members, friends, 'enemies' or is it something you're sincerely passionate about? If you answer any of those questions truthfully to yourself then you will understand the brokenness – and this is where it differs. Every brokenness isn't the same. I'm being broken because I'm pushing for something I desire so much that I need to be purified before I can receive it. Are you being broken for purification as well or is the universe telling you 'hey, take this time to figure out what you really want; get it together in this process and then you can go to the next side.' Going forth now I understand my brokenness and therefore even though it hurts, I flourish in it. I'll keep pushing towards my goals whiles being purified and positioning myself to be ready to receive it with sincerity. 

Again, I can only tell you my plans on how I'm going over and what I've got to do to get there. I've got to stop crying wolf and expecting a rescue when things actually do fall apart. I've got to stop looking at others and being envious – if I'm honest with myself – because one, I do not know how hard they worked for it and two, when it's my time, things will fall into place. And finally, I've got to ensure that everything I'm doing is because I sincerely want to do it and understand that through adversities, we learn who we really are and what we really aspire to achieve/become. It doesn't rain forever – just have to hold on a little longer, and dance in the rain whiles waiting for the sun to shine again. And maybe, just maybe take life's lemons and make some lemonade – with a splash of Vodka haha (Gin for me). 

Chin Ups Loves and Spring Forward! 

Love Always, 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

11th March, 2018
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egqvO6BM-78