‘Twas The Night Before Christmas...when I got HIGH!’

So everyone’s planning to go out - all dressed up, plans secured and heading out...and there I am, wondering, ‘what shall I do?’. Let me first just say, I’m not a stoner or do I encourage it BUT we all have our addictions/ habits right? Well, let’s just jump into it.

I LEAN….

‘OMG, why would you do such a silly thing?’ - HOLD UP...you can stop reading right there if you’re going to judge, Ok?. Yea, I know, you wanted to hear more hahaha. Anyways, my favorite thing to have whiles unwinding would usually be a nice cold Kalik Gold or Gin and Pink Grapefruit Juice [strong stuff, I know]...but I figured, what the hell - ‘tis the season’, let’s turn it up a notch. I’m not one to lean[if you don’t know what that is, don’t worry about it] that often but it’s been a while and I thought it was the perfect occasion to do so. So yea, poured it up, beautiful pink of course and sipped whiles watching my fav - How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Even though the heading states the night before Christmas, I was just running wild LOL so indeed, I took it over to Christmas Day.

Chocolate Brownie Heaven...or so I thought…

It’s Christmas Day. I’m somewhat FADED, FADED, FADED ha but focused enough to push through. It’s boring...Mum’s in Nassau with the others, Dad’s at work and I’m home all alone thinking, ‘there’s GOT to be more than this on a Christmas Day.’ Thankfully, I got friends who actually come through LOL and they sure did. So yay, I’m no longer spending Christmas alone. We’re all chilling having a great time and there I see, Chocolate Browniesssssss - NO, not the usual...the sinfully delish ones. I’m ‘gon just be honest, I’ve tried them before but it never seemed to work on me. So I figured, yea yea, it’s going to be the same. NOT! Haha, so I bite into one and man that was so delicious. I’m thinking, since I’m not feeling anything right away, I can still sip on my beers right? Hmmmm. Few hours later, still nothing...so, being the dare-devil that I am, I say, let me try another. Let’s just say, I didn’t finish that one, barely ate half. Few moments later, first let me ask, is there really a cloud nine? And if so, can one reach higher than that? Hahahahahahahahahaha. Straight trippingggggggggggggggggg LOL. It’s a few minutes from half time and everything’s spinning. My friend’s watching the game and I don’t want to disturb him so I have to convince myself to keep calm until half time. I recall us having a conversation but then again I’m saying ‘huh?’ and he’s like ‘girl what?’...yea Krizia, you fxxked up ha. Yayyyy, half time is here and I’m coherent enough to say I’m ready to go home. I know within myself I cannot stay to that party in that state. I reach home - everything seems normal but I’m still in this ‘did I not just do this?’ state...I lay down...and it begins…

I’m DYING or maybe not.

My body is on FIRE! I’m talking about HOT! HOT! HOT! ‘Krizia it’s just your mind, relax.’ - ‘No damnit, I’m dying.’ - LOL thinking about it now makes me chuckle, told you guys I have a weird sense of humor but at that very moment, there was nothing funny about it. I really thought I was dying, my heart felt like it was about to burst in my chest. I was sweating insanely, then getting very cold immediately afterwards. My head was still spinning as well as everything else. I’m hearing conversations, having them actually then moments later wondering if I was really having them or not. I was laughing and crying at the SAME DAMN TIME. I was GONE yo! I’m talking to myself telling myself to calm down, relax and sleep. Ok, it’s sort of working...but then I start thinking, what if I don’t wake up? And the panic is back. I’m drinking endless amounts of water because my mouth is dry as ever. I’m thinking, ‘this is it, you really went overboard Krizia smt.’ I’m messaging anyone I can even though I’m shaking like crazy and could barely type. I just want someone to know and just in case I really am tripping, I can make reference to it in the morning if or when I come to.

Morning Comes...Yes Lord.

I don’t know when or exactly how I fell asleep but thank God I did. Otherwise, I really would’ve driven myself crazy panicking. I’m feeling better...some stuff still doubling up but happy for the most part, I remembered everything and I’m home. The amount of prayers I sent up that night, I trust that God would work in my favor and He DID. LOL, ok so perhaps it may seem I was a bit extra, but truthfully, I’ve never been high in my life! People consider the feeling similar to leaning but it’s not. From my experience and those that I do know lean, it’s a somber feeling, relaxing feeling - perhaps it’s the same with the other but I guess for me pairing the two together, it took me on a journey that I was so not prepared for. I mean I was completely caught off guard ha. Needless to say, it was one of the promises I made to never do again and I will stick to that. Everyone’s experience is different so I can assume many may not be able to relate but for me, that was more than enough.

How Was My Christmas?

Well I’m not a fan of the holiday that much, although I really wanted some stuffing which I DID NOT get hmph but anyways….It was pretty ok. Had a great time, chilling with amazing friends and clearly getting higher than life itself. It was an experience whiles I will not regret it, one I don’t fancy to go through again. BUT nonetheless, my holiday was pretty ok. Of course work follows suit the day after for me which I don’t mind...spend a good much on booze itself lol so I’ve got making up to do. All in all, I’m grateful I’ve lived to see another one and as we all eagerly anticipate seeing the New Year, I’m wishing you all lots of love and happiness from here on out. Live a little, laugh a lot and always be grateful - The Best Is Yet To Come!

Love Always,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

27th December, 2017

Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You.

They say if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything. I disagree. I say, 'say it anyways'. The fact of the matter is, truth hurts...it always will, but I'd rather you tell me the truth than comfort me with a lie. Now I do agree with saying things in a respectful manner and we all know that can be done. So, if you have something to say whether hurtful or not, respectfully/tastefully, SAY IT! 

Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You.... 

I want to keep my blogs uplifting and inspiring but there's so much I need to get out [truthfully] before I can share the good parts. I do not want to seem like the bitter blogger nor do I want to be the one who seems to share absolutely everything with the world BUT at the same time, I want to be real with my readers. I talk about self-empowerment and releasing hurt to better oneself but I seldom ever follow such advice, sad to say...but now I'm ready. Not only do I owe honesty to my readers but indeed, to myself. 

You won't read this perhaps...everything I've ever said to you seemed to fall on deaf ear but me writing this is a way of healing for me and releasing my anger, hate, frustration, confusion and pain... 

So, Dear Dad... 

I needed you. Always needed you. Thought how blessed I was to be raised in a home with both parents and not that co-parenting stuff UNTIL I was old enough or perhaps wise enough to realize it's really not all that 'glitz and glamoured' up as it seems. Sure, the world may think it's cool; they even consider it privileged but no one knows besides the people who actually live and deal with it. You're a great man, always have been and perhaps forever will be....to everyone else. 

I needed you. Needed you to stand up for me. Needed you to be there for me and please don't think financial support was/is enough because truthfully, it isn't. Some think it is, well, from a crying child inside a 28 year old adult, I'll tell you, it's not. 

I fell in love with the bad guy, and the bad guy, and the bad guy again....I was mistreated, verbally and physically abused but I needed to love the hardworking bad guy because I didn't know what love was from a man. I didn't know how a Queen was supposed to be treated....never saw it happen to my mum and definitely not to me. So yea, there I was, accepting anything from the bad guy because a little bit of love was better than no love at all. 

I gave the bad guy everything, as I was trained to – my heart, my time, cooked, cleaned, made sure the bad guy was comfortable and happy whilst I was miserable and depressed. But that's life right? 

As I stated, I'm 28 years old now so I really can't blame anyone for the choices I've made, but I do wish you would've shown me better. When I started cutting myself, you never said anything. A year later you mentioned it and just said, 'don't do that shit, it's not good, people talk.' It was always this perfect image we had to uphold but there I was, crying for help - not just any help 'cause you guys will probably say where was mum. She was there, always there...my number one fan but I wasn't seeking her love or approval, I already had it – I was looking for you. 

I know, you've said it before and I don't or won't know if you regret it but I'm the daughter you never wanted to have. 'Though it hurt when I heard it, had to suck it up...I'm the kid you wanted aborted...BUT OH TO BE KEPT BY JESUS. We're humans, we say things we don't mean and have feelings that are only for the moment. BUT, you could've treated me/or pretend to treat me like I was your babygirl – being your first and only daughter. You call me it, you tell the world it now – although I don't know which world because so many still don't know you actually have a daughter [experienced that again yesterday, quite annoying to be honest]. 

There are scars on my heart and memories that won't seem to erase and I wanted to be detailed so you can truly understand how I've been feeling all these years but there's just so much to say and right now...don't even care to make the time. 

But I'll Say This... 

I forgive you – Forgive you for every hurtful thing you've ever said and I couldn't say anything back because you taught me to speak when spoken to, otherwise shut up and that women are beneath men so we aren't/supposed to answer back anyways. Forgive you, for not being to any of my school events or accomplishments because you were too busy 'working' yet you made it to all of your 'favorite'/first son [the one you really wanted] stuff. Forgive you for ignoring my cries for YOUR attention and when you finally looked, you ignored it again. Forgive you for not even caring when I tried to commit suicide; your only concern when you came to visit me was you noticing I wasn't home and I was supposed to wash your clothes. Forgive you for allowing your 'Joseph' to continually walk all over me and disrespect me and tell me how I'm not your child and so forth. Forgive you for never showing me true love and in return I seeked love from people who only hurt me and destroyed me. I can't ever hold you accountable for the things that I've done or the choices I've made but then again, I somewhat do. I needed you and you weren't/still aren't there... 

So, Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You. 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

3rd December, 2017