Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You.

They say if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything. I disagree. I say, 'say it anyways'. The fact of the matter is, truth hurts...it always will, but I'd rather you tell me the truth than comfort me with a lie. Now I do agree with saying things in a respectful manner and we all know that can be done. So, if you have something to say whether hurtful or not, respectfully/tastefully, SAY IT! 

Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You.... 

I want to keep my blogs uplifting and inspiring but there's so much I need to get out [truthfully] before I can share the good parts. I do not want to seem like the bitter blogger nor do I want to be the one who seems to share absolutely everything with the world BUT at the same time, I want to be real with my readers. I talk about self-empowerment and releasing hurt to better oneself but I seldom ever follow such advice, sad to say...but now I'm ready. Not only do I owe honesty to my readers but indeed, to myself. 

You won't read this perhaps...everything I've ever said to you seemed to fall on deaf ear but me writing this is a way of healing for me and releasing my anger, hate, frustration, confusion and pain... 

So, Dear Dad... 

I needed you. Always needed you. Thought how blessed I was to be raised in a home with both parents and not that co-parenting stuff UNTIL I was old enough or perhaps wise enough to realize it's really not all that 'glitz and glamoured' up as it seems. Sure, the world may think it's cool; they even consider it privileged but no one knows besides the people who actually live and deal with it. You're a great man, always have been and perhaps forever will be....to everyone else. 

I needed you. Needed you to stand up for me. Needed you to be there for me and please don't think financial support was/is enough because truthfully, it isn't. Some think it is, well, from a crying child inside a 28 year old adult, I'll tell you, it's not. 

I fell in love with the bad guy, and the bad guy, and the bad guy again....I was mistreated, verbally and physically abused but I needed to love the hardworking bad guy because I didn't know what love was from a man. I didn't know how a Queen was supposed to be treated....never saw it happen to my mum and definitely not to me. So yea, there I was, accepting anything from the bad guy because a little bit of love was better than no love at all. 

I gave the bad guy everything, as I was trained to – my heart, my time, cooked, cleaned, made sure the bad guy was comfortable and happy whilst I was miserable and depressed. But that's life right? 

As I stated, I'm 28 years old now so I really can't blame anyone for the choices I've made, but I do wish you would've shown me better. When I started cutting myself, you never said anything. A year later you mentioned it and just said, 'don't do that shit, it's not good, people talk.' It was always this perfect image we had to uphold but there I was, crying for help - not just any help 'cause you guys will probably say where was mum. She was there, always there...my number one fan but I wasn't seeking her love or approval, I already had it – I was looking for you. 

I know, you've said it before and I don't or won't know if you regret it but I'm the daughter you never wanted to have. 'Though it hurt when I heard it, had to suck it up...I'm the kid you wanted aborted...BUT OH TO BE KEPT BY JESUS. We're humans, we say things we don't mean and have feelings that are only for the moment. BUT, you could've treated me/or pretend to treat me like I was your babygirl – being your first and only daughter. You call me it, you tell the world it now – although I don't know which world because so many still don't know you actually have a daughter [experienced that again yesterday, quite annoying to be honest]. 

There are scars on my heart and memories that won't seem to erase and I wanted to be detailed so you can truly understand how I've been feeling all these years but there's just so much to say and right now...don't even care to make the time. 

But I'll Say This... 

I forgive you – Forgive you for every hurtful thing you've ever said and I couldn't say anything back because you taught me to speak when spoken to, otherwise shut up and that women are beneath men so we aren't/supposed to answer back anyways. Forgive you, for not being to any of my school events or accomplishments because you were too busy 'working' yet you made it to all of your 'favorite'/first son [the one you really wanted] stuff. Forgive you for ignoring my cries for YOUR attention and when you finally looked, you ignored it again. Forgive you for not even caring when I tried to commit suicide; your only concern when you came to visit me was you noticing I wasn't home and I was supposed to wash your clothes. Forgive you for allowing your 'Joseph' to continually walk all over me and disrespect me and tell me how I'm not your child and so forth. Forgive you for never showing me true love and in return I seeked love from people who only hurt me and destroyed me. I can't ever hold you accountable for the things that I've done or the choices I've made but then again, I somewhat do. I needed you and you weren't/still aren't there... 

So, Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You. 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

3rd December, 2017