A. Smith VIII. XV. LXXXIX

There’s a special significance about this particular birthday as no other have hold. If granted the opportunity to see it, it would be so amazing. God has brought me thus far and if only 21 years, even then, I am forever grateful. It’s been a trying time and I’ve faced many trials, too many to count. Had it not been for God, I most likely wouldn’t have been here.

Everyone gets excited about sweet 16, then 18 & 21, but this one for me means so much more than they ever could have. 21 years and I’m finally at the point where I want to be in my life; I’m happy. How, when, or why it happened is beyond me but it happened. There have been endless teary nights and many self-destructive tactics that literally could’ve been the end of me. BUT, God’s kept me.

I know the great calling He has on my life and once again, I am forever grateful. However, it gets depressing at time always taking care of others before me, considering their feelings before mines, but nonetheless, it’s why I’m here. I take my responsibility very serious and follow through with no hesitations.

21 years and I’m finally happy. I’ve been searching, waiting, and constantly praying for this feeling and it came, and it feels so good. I’m confident now in who I am but most importantly, I know who I am. I was confused for quite some time with who I should be, living off other peoples impressions. Now, I know me and it’s a great feeling to know and love me.

“Destined to be a star, Ordained to shine”- I live by that. I know that greatness is within reach and if I’m self-motivated, I can achieve it. 21 years and I’ve come to appreciate the beauty of life and all that it has to offer. I’ve come to realize that the rain signifies blessings so therefore I shouldn’t complain when it comes.

21 years and I’ve come so far, so close to where I ought to be. If granted, 22 is going to be amazing!!! To the person writing this, Akrizia MaryAntonique Smith, you are Beautiful!!! You are intelligent, vibrant, confident, and exquisite. God’s covering is upon you and you ought to be the change you seek to see. Keep going, pushing forward knowing that in due time, with such diligence, you will overcome, for you are more than a conqueror. You are loved.

God’s blessings always and forever,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith.

Forward, Upward, Onward Together!!!

“There’s strength in unity and through unity, progression; no one is left behind in a forward harmonious movement and should one fall, he is always blanketed by his peers and up lifted. Unity is power.”- Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith.

Once again, the frequencies of my notes have been fluctuating but I’ve got a lot that needs to be discussed so I won’t drop the ball this time.

As you all should know by now Independence is my FAVORITE holiday of all time. I get more excited about it than my birthday. All throughout the year I find ways to better my country and to assist with helping out and giving back to those who’ve made it all possible. 38 years is a big achievement for a small country like ours and I’m eagerly excited as to seeing many many more. I believe that our country has great potential and has the youth of the people who are ready and willing to take it to the next level. I am passionate about being the change I want to see.

With that being said, I feel as if our country currently is at a standstill. Where we are now feels as if it is no different than where we were perhaps some five plus years ago. The issues we’re facing today are the same issues of yesterday and had we taken care of them from the beginning, we would be much further than we are now. You can never change a corrupted man from what he is accustomed to. You can only hope for the better and put effort into bringing up and inspiring a man with good morals and strong work ethics and belief. A corrupted nation is far different.

To refer to our country as corrupted is very extreme and might be disturbing to some and even to me. However, I feel as if, and not only within the government, that we have people who are placed in powerful positions who are not intellectually fit to be there. The mindsets of the people are not where it should be despite their academic achievements. Education is vitally important and it is good to have people with great knowledge but what we tend to forget at times or not see is academic knowledge can only take you so far. Growing up they said manners and respect took you throughout the world. Well, let me add to it, having the ability to intellectually stimulate people and motivate them to want positive change is what also takes you throughout the world.

Our motto of what we’re supposed to live by is Forward, Upward, Onward Together but daily I see the progression of the people going backwards. We pull down, tear apart, and deliberately destroy each other all for the sake of power and name. If this is how we expect to build our nation then it’s simply not going to happen. The maturity level of our leaders is questionable and it scares me to think of where we are going to end up. As said before, I believe that our country has great potential but before we can ever move forward and be productive we must realize the potential that we have and embrace it. We must have people in power who are focused on making sure that no one is left behind.

In our society too often we are afraid to help another because of fair of being pulled down or looked down upon. We say we want change then we must be the change we want to see. We say we want progression but why are we then so afraid to get rid of the old ways of thinking? We must first move from the former in order to reach to the latter. It is said and proven true that your latter will be greater than your past but we cannot reach it living with the past mentality.

There is more expected of us. I believe and will see to it that this generation, my generation is going to rise up and totally turn this country upside down, inside out, and all around make it so much better than it’s ever been. We have the visions within us and though there are very few inspirational leaders out there, we must act on our own motivation. Too many times in this country things are done for self gain. Even though we must be self motivated, nothing we do must be for self gratification. Our common goal should and must be the building up and betterment of our country.

Our forefathers left a legacy that is greatly appreciated and should always be remembered but the footsteps in which are current leaders are walking is on a different course than where we are suppose to be. Therefore, a constructive change is indeed necessary. Change is inevitable and will happen regardless it be for the better or worst. We must ensure that the change our country is about to embark upon is one that is effective and optimistic in the progression of us as a people.

Forward, Upward, Onward Together we march; we must march. My hand in yours and yours in my mind, in love and unity; we march, we must march. Our making as a people that are excellently executed through the words of our national anthem encourages us to do so; in unity we march; we must march. For “there is strength in unity and through unity, progression; no one is left behind in a forward harmonious movement and should one fall, he is always blanketed by his peers and up lifted. Unity is power.”- Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith.

Happy 38^th Bahamas!!!

Authentically,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

Burning Your Bridges: When it’s not ok and When it’s beyond time to do so.

Within society it is commonly said that you should not burn your bridges. Many younger folks question exactly what does it mean. Well, from my understanding of what I’ve been taught, it simply means to be careful how you treat others and to always try to keep an open and honest relationship with whomever you come in to contact with because you will never know when you will need someone later on in life.

I am an argumentative person (love to debate) so I can always see the two sides to the story or the reasons why and why not to do something. With that being said, I’ve already stated exactly why it is not good to burn your bridges, now here is my full on opinion as to why sometimes it is a MUST that you do.

In life, there are those people who no matter what you do; they will always be there for you. Most of us can honestly say that those people are perhaps just Mom and Dad. Some of you are blessed to say that you can consider friends to be those people too; good for you. These people stick with you through EVERYTHING to the point where even in death; you know they will defend your honor. These are the people who you should NEVER burn your bridges with, regardless.

 THEN of course, there are those people who never see or acknowledge when they do you wrong but always seem to criticize and ridicule you if you should just so happen to step on their toe. There are those people who are “perfect” in their eyes and see every flaw you possess. Certain friends we have amoung us are secretly waiting for our demise and ironically they reveal themselves, whether you see it or not, by constantly giving you advice that they themselves do not adhere to. Failed relationships we tend to cling on to and try to rekindle simply because we are afraid of perhaps being by ourselves or moving on: THESE people and these relationships we MUST burn our bridges!

Why is it that we allow ourselves to continue on in holding friendships and relationships with hypocritical people? We, as humans often tend to say things that we do not mean or go back on our words BUT some people live for hypocrisy. People who always see the negative side of things in life are NOT people we should want to communicate with. Those who only see the wrong in your doings but never theirs are people who WILL step on you to get where they want to go in life. Friends we are most sure of who hate on us and easily give us unhealthy and confusing advice considering the way they live their lives are not real friends. Running back to past relationships after they’ve failed miserably is idiotic and is actually an act of insecurity. Why are we keeping people in our lives who we know mean us no well and why do we go back to what we’ve already left?

If we allow these bridges to remain open, then we are allowing feelings to foster/ linger and the more we allow this, the more we will always look back and want to revisit these bridges. Sometimes in life it is a MUST that we not only let go but do not look back at closed doors. They are closed for a reason and going back through them is only a hindrance to what we can achieve if we were to remain focused on moving forward. Burning certain bridges are a necessary act for us to get ahead in life and to not constantly wait around wondering should we or should we not go back to them. Certain friendships that we are sure of that are not beneficial or inspiring at all in any way to us MUST be disbanded. There is absolutely NO need to hold on to uninspiring friendships or relationships for they only keep us from developing and bondage us to the ignorance of others.

It is extremely important to know which bridges you should not burn but be that as it may, you should never be afraid to let go of things/ people who mean you no well and not fear the reaction you will get from it because in the end, it is only for your best. Many older folks will say, “Never burn your bridges.” Well, I disagree. Some bridges are meant to be burnt simply because some of those are ones we never should’ve crossed in the first place. Be careful of the paths you choose to take because some of them lead you to an intersection where you will have to choose your next step from there. Be wise in choosing your friends and relationships because should there come a point when things are not at all what they have seemed to be, it will be a bittersweet ending to them.

Stop blaming others for the decisions you make and learn to be wise in your decision making for if you are, you won’t have to worry about releasing people/ things free from connections with you. We often say if God brings us to it, He will bring us through it. Whiles this is undoubtedly true, we should be honest with ourselves and admit to the fact that many paths we cross in life are self chosen and therefore, we put ourselves in the predicaments we are in or face. God no doubt still brings us through and closes those doors or keeps us from crossing those paths/ bridges again; so, leave them alone. Move on and do not feel the need to go back to what is already done. Think from now on before you do/ say anything and perhaps we will have fewer regrets in life and not so many bridges to burn. I can only speak from personal experience so trust me when I say, it’s not fun burning certain bridges. There’s a sense of emptiness inside that perhaps, if I were more careful in my decisions, I wouldn’t have to face such difficult choices now. Rise up and wise up; just lookin’ out for ya!!!

Authentically,

Akrizia “MaryAntonique” Smith

Good Girl Gone Bad: Taking Me Off Of The World's Pedestal.

So, I totally feel awful for not being as frequent with my blogs as promised but the past two months have been a very emotionally stressful time for me and I’ve had sooo much on my mind, it was indeed hard to write. However, I’m back and fully loaded….so, here goes!!!

For the most part, I’ve spent many years growing up in church and being a very active member like participating in choir, dance, play writing, acting, and many more things. I’ve also spent most of my life on the Honor Roll, both Primary and High School and have involved myself in many extra- curricular activities in which I’ve held leadership positions and have obtained great rewards and recommendations from. I can remember perhaps if not the tenth then most likely the eleventh grade where I was constantly busy as if I were a working individual. My sister once said that you’d have to put in an appointment to get to me and as crazy as it sounds, indeed then it was true.

 My days started from 6AM getting up and ready for school and ended on many days at 7- 8PM in the evenings. Of course between 9AM- 3PM was school and the various club meetings and afterwards would follow everything from Band practice, volleyball practice, GGYA Meetings or expeditions, JA or Toastmasters Speech Workshops, and of course, Church events and regular services. I loved it! Loved not only being a part of such extraordinary clubs and organizations but also love being active in them and taking charge of my positions e.g. V. P. of Production, Treasurer, Acting President and more. Also, in school I was a part of many clubs as well such as Key Club (President of Calling Committee), Interact Club (Secretary/ President Elect-then President), C. O. A. (Collaboration of Artists- President: 2 years), Girls Club, Business Club, and others that I must admit, I wasn’t as faithful to.

My friends and I were always committed to the things we set forth to and I stayed steadfast focused into ensuring that if not everyone, then at least one person would know and remember my name. I had job trained in my senior year for the Chief Magistrate then Mr. Franklin Williams and had left such a warming and hardworking impression upon him and his staff of myself, which was greatly expressed in my recommendation letters. Assistant General Manager - NR at Bahamas Agricultural & Industrial Corp. Mr. Rudy Sawyer who was one of my JA Advisors also had spoken well on my behave in his recommendation letters and indeed I greatly appreciated it.

Achieving things and feeling accomplished was and is something that gives me great pleasure and contentment as oppose to the materialistic things that would bring pleasure to the average child/ teenager/ young adult. I chose to make sure that whatever it is I was and am doing, is done to the best of my abilities and is appreciated by those around me. However, I’d be terribly lying to you if I said I did and do it all for me. People expect me to do well and for that, I put my best foot forward with no intensions of letting anyone down. Most of the things I’ve done were because it was expected of me to do, not because it was my desire. Eventually of course, I learned to adapt to it and it felt good as if it were my desires and my expectations. My friends came to me with issues and burdens that they anticipated me to help them through or carry for them. As a humbling person with a heart so caring, I never asked questions, I just did what they wanted me to do; be there for them.

To whom much is given, much is required- this is a philosophy that I live by and truly believe and accept. So, please do not take it the wrong as if I am ungrateful or unappreciative of all the many gifts and knowledge God has given me. I am more than ever thankful and I will always show my gratitude and give back for indeed it is required of me.

Nevertheless, there comes a point in your life where you have to decide whether you are living for you or for others to view you. It was always my desire to be a leader and have people follow me and I never made it a must that they do, people just did. It makes me feel good to know that people appreciate who I am and trust that I know where I am going and wants to follow. However, it was and is extremely exhausting to have everyone watch you and critique you in EVERYTHING that you do.

I started cutting, a very bad thing to do I might add, so please don’t, when I had reached to a point where I was tired of being this person that everyone wanted me to be. I was frustrated with everyone telling me who I was supposed to be and what I couldn’t do because it was not who I was. The simplest things people would have an issue with and tell me that it’s out of my character and get back in line so that I can continue to be perceived as this ‘good girl- smart, innocent person’ they wanted me to be. NOTHINGS wrong with being good, smart or innocent and I do pride myself on being all threeJ. Nevertheless, I didn’t and DO NOT want that image because it is expected of me. I want it because it is who I am and who I’ve chosen to be, not because mum or dad or society thinks it’s what’s best for me.

It drove me crazy; it drives me crazy. When I would express my dreams of wanting to be a singer/ song writer, it was as if I was telling some sort of joke to people. Many people know that I am a pretty great singer and I have so many songs that I’ve written over the years but they would say I pictured you as more of a Lawyer type or someone interested in Politics, do those, they go good with you, you’re smart, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Seriously? I even convinced myself at one point that I did want to be a Lawyer and eventually would’ve branched off into Politics. I am very good at debating and bringing my point across but I cannot honestly set myself up to do something that I have no desire whatsoever to do.

 People’s perception of me drastically changed when I started cutting but they went back to their same old feelings when I continued to excel in school. They still had high hopes for me; it meant a lot but not enough. I wanted to be who I wanted to be simply because it made me happy; thought that is what MY LIFE is for, isn’t it? When I started getting tattoos it was as if all hell broke loose. Young girls, much too young were out having sex, drinking and being with many different men and somehow, as crazy as it is, I was pictured as a bad person. Because I got tattoos? Again, Seriously?

I just couldn’t believe it! There were the whispers, ‘she’s gothic, she’s into darkness, she’s loosing it, must be something wrong in the home’- like WTF??? I got my ears pierced several times and obviously that must be a crime because you cannot begin to imagine the looks and questions I’d get from CHURCH people.

I moved from home in June of ’07 and went back after my uncle died in January of ’08; wanted to move back sooner but just couldn’t do it then, I was an emotional wreck. My cousin and I at that time were both out of high school, legal and have spent most of our years being good kids and students. We needed some way to release our hurt and at that point it really didn’t matter what people thought (or so I thought). We could go out all the time, granted the fact that we weren’t allowed to when we were in school; why the hell not go out and have a grand time. We were legal for crying out loud! When I went out, I drank hard and partied hard. It was just me and her and sometimes her sis and that’s all we needed. We would sit on the beach and talk for hours ‘til midnight sometimes. I slept by them a lot. That was my way of dealing with my grief. BUT people, who just LOVE to watch MY LIFE took it all the wrong ways they wanted to. They didn’t know that I had lost my uncle or them, their father, and they didn’t care. They’d see me once or twice in a bar and make statements like I’m an alcoholic. It hurt a lot because these were the same people who I was always there for, helping them through their mess and in my time of bereavement I couldn’t turn to them and they used my method of healing (lol) against me….hmmm, sad.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I am fed up with everyone and their damn expectations (please excuse my languageJ)!!! I am obligated, just as you are, to live my life however pleasing to me as I want! If you want to follow me then by all means necessary, be my guest. Do know, that I am not or will ever be perfect and if I chose to tatt, drink, or just enjoy my life to the fullest, then that’s on me. I am well educated and talented and I am currently focusing on trying to obtain my Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology and Sociology and in due time, I will. I would also wish to continue in song writing, journalism, fashion designing, and venturing out fully into the music sector. All of these things I can do and will do with my tatts and all. I’m not fully sold on being a Psychologist anymore as you can imagine I am soooooo sick of hearing about everyone’s problems BUT it is a degree that I do desire to have and should things not work out with my God given talents, I can fall back upon itJ.

When I say Good Girl Gone Bad, it is not to be misinterpreted as if I intend on wilding out and slaughtering the good name that I do still have. It simply states that I am going to be ME. I am removing myself off of the pedestal that everyone has placed me on and just wants to live my life for ME and not because certain things are expected of me. To whom much is given, much is required- in that sense, I’m always going to give 100% in the church and in the areas that God calls me to but this statement I uphold and honor to God, not to the world. The world does not anymore and will not dictate to me who I should be.

 Should you have an issue with this or with watching me being me and doing what I damn well please, then it is sooooo easy to either close your eyes or look the next way because gone are the days of me putting on a show to ensure that everyone is satisfied…tsk, no more! This is to every and anyone and not just certain people; EVERYONE take heed because who you thought I was or wanted me to be, is not who I am…IF you must, watch me do me, flaws and allJ!!!

Authentically,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

I Came to Win, To Fight, To Conquer, To Thrive; I Came to Win, To Survive, To Prosper, To Rise; To Fly!!!

Better late than never, Happy New Year Guys!!! I trust that you all had a wonderful Christmas and is ready for a New Year of opportunities, challenges, disappointments, success stories, and so much more that the New Year brings with it. It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog although I have been continuing to write for quite some time now. There were many other topics I wanted to put out prior to the New Year’s arrival but nonetheless I’ve got ample time to do so this year.

I was listening to some music last night and I came across this song Fly by Nicki Minaj feat. Rihanna. I instantly fell in love with the chorus and couldn’t get it out of my mind. I am not one to make New Year resolutions simply because I know I’m not the type to say ‘this is what I’m going to do’…rather, I just do whatever it is I want to do without having to make it a resolution or an item on my list of to-do things. My goals have been set years in advance and as each New Year comes I just push further towards them or with some, complete them.

Of course, as stated earlier, each year brings different challenges so of course it may have threw some of my goals (plans) off a bit, but I never let it hinder me from continuing on in pursuing what it is that I want to do. In other words, as oppose to setting New Year resolutions, I am who I’ve always been; not much has changed in terms of the direction I’m heading or the things I want to achieve. I’ve grown much over the years and have improved tremendously in many areas but there is no big significant change in my plans.

Many people come into the New Year anticipating major changes in their lives and for some, are extremely disappointed at the end of the year to have not accomplished all that they said they would do at the beginning of the year. A New Year does not mean a new opportunity to re-invent yourself. You will forever be disappointed if that is what you foresee, as for each New Year you would continuously set out to do the same thing. A New Year will perhaps bring new opportunities for you to either work on yourself for the better in different aspects and areas of your life or continue on in doing what you’ve always been doing.

Nothing’s wrong with setting goals and seeing to it that you complete/ achieve them. However, if you only try to set goals because a new year is approaching, then realistically, you can expect to not succeed in them or expect to come across many difficulties in attaining them. It’s simple, if you do not make yourself obedient to a particular thing, then how is it that you expect for yourself to follow through in it? In other words, if you do not practice what you preach or say you’re going to do, then how can you expect the end result to be triumphant. Many people sit down writing their long list of things they want to do and change for the New Year e.g. lose a lot of weight, be more strict, stick to their word, travel more, etc. Here’s the thing, if for example, last year you just ate what you wanted, did not exercise, and did whatever you wanted, then exactly how do you expect your weight loss strategy to go? Do you think simply because you say that’s what you want for the New Year that it’s going to happen? And if so, are you aware of the radical changes you will have to put your body through in order to achieve this?

In life you can never just go from nothing to something. There has to be some sacrifice in order for you to go on to the next step or stage in life. You cannot just become a movie star. That’s years of hard work and for some that are blessed enough to get into it and succeed instantly, are the ones blessed with that talent. Even they have to go through some form of training to be what is required of them. In everything you do in life there has to be some discipline, training, obedience, or sanction; even for the trivial things like losing weight.

 A New Year brings new opportunities but the obvious ones as last year would have been able to give you are not considered by me a new opportunity. Why do I say that? Well, what is it that hindered you from losing weight or travelling more last year? Is it because of health conditions, constant working, or the simple mere fact that you weren’t driven enough to do so? If drive was your downfall, then how are you now going to change that? And why wait for a New Year? Why not try to change things in December or earlier? What is so special/ different about this particular year as oppose to last year that made you come to this conclusion that you are going to change these things? Whatever it is that was hindering you last year from doing what it is you aspire to do, what makes you think it won’t hinder you this year? And if there was nothing in your way last year, then why now? Why not then? Hmmm.

 I’ve been told that I take things far too literal so you might be wondering ‘oh my gosh what’s up with these questions, is it really that serious?’, but then again, I live in the real world. I’m just trying to bring you up-to-date with how I function and think in this real world because some of you are really living some fairy tale lives but with no happy endings. Some of you just dream and dream and never really pursue anything in life. Some of you make New Year resolutions simply to hear yourselves or to make yourself same as if you are doing something in life. Making plans just because it’s the normal thing to do with no way of ensuring that you are going to at least follow through is so pointless. I hate being rude but it’s absurd saying you’re going to do something and never get around to it simply because YOU are the one standing in your way, not the year. If you have no practice or discipline in something, then do not out of the blue assume that you can instantly change things. It’s not impossible to achieve your New Year resolutions but you must start now working towards them. You cannot wait for a New Year to arrive to then decide to be proactive. You’d be in for a rude awakening. Now that you’re already in the New Year, think about those things that you said you wanted to change and ask yourself, is this a realistic goal to try to tackle within a year or am I going to find some balance, some discipline in my life in order for me to achieve these? Also, will these goals change when another New Year approaches, because if they do then what’s the point in going after something that perhaps won’t be finished within a year simply to drop it for another New Year resolution.

If you do not have it, find some stability in your life from here on and go with that. Setting New Year resolutions are not necessary. If you know what it is you want in life and is sure about it, don’t let the year depict when and how you deal with what you aspire to obtain. The year changes, your goals shouldn’t and if you want more than what you had last year then you should’ve already thought about it prior to entering a New Year. You would already have plans thought out on how you would change it this year. Don’t wait for the New Year to think of new ideas, goals, or anything for that matter; start now and if you’re not finished by time the year is out, then don’t worry, push forth, stick to it; you don’t have to add on just to accommodate the New Year nor should you leave behind. Continue to do what it is you were doing.

From my early teen years I had made up in my mind that I am Dedicated, Desired, and Determined to Win and to this day that has not and will not change. That’s my life’s goal and not just a New Year resolution. That is something that I stick to and abide by. That is what makes me who I am. My dedication to whatever I set forth to do, my desire for it, and my determination to see that it’s accomplished. I’ve been purposed-driven as shall I always be. Some things along the way have changed but nonetheless I’m still focused and obedient to my plans and therefore I have no worries as to those that are yet to come. The year doesn’t make me, I make the year GREAT. Guaranteed promise if you start thinking that way and therefore being that way, you will realize how setting new goals for new year’s doesn’t move you. You will go into a new year with the plans you already have set forth to achieve not to make a better year but to make a better YOU. Happy New Year!!!!!! Don’t throw your resolutions away now, just look at them, think about them, and figure out what it is you really want to do, why you want to do it, and how will it in the end be beneficial to you, and go from there. Wishing you nothing but the best!!!!

Gods Speed,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

“Learning How to Be Your Own Psychologist: The Effects of Inconsiderably Giving Our Burdens to Others.”

As mentioned in my previous blog (What we say, How we say it, & How Its Interpreted), there were and are many things that I wanted to say and wished that I have said or discussed with others, but I always kept them to myself for particular reasons. I’ve come to realize that in this life there are those people who will always be there for you no matter what; they’re always open to hear you out and walk you through whatever it is that you are going through. Then, there are those who are indeed the opposite; those people who want you to be there for them all the time and always burden you with their problems but are never able to hear you out or give sound advice to you.

I’m that person; the one who focuses on everybody, open to give advice and willing to be a listening ear. I’ve been the one who was always able to offer a shoulder to cry on. For a while, I loved it! I appreciated the fact that my friends trusted to confide in me and accept advice from me. Besides, I did aspire to be a Psychologist and still do. Therefore, helping them with their problems felt like a good head start and made me feel like a valuable friend.

However, eventually it got exhausting and started to take a toll on me in a very negative way. Here I was always open and able to be there for my friends, but I had no one to hear me out in return. So, I had their problems that I constantly thought about and I had mines too.

I didn’t realize how damaging it all was. It became an emotional strain because I began to hurt and feel for them. Then, it was a mental strain because I thought about them all the time, hoping they were happy; praying for them to make it through. And finally, it took a toll on me physically. My problems were heavy on my heart and theirs were on my mind. After constantly writing through journal entries, songs and poems, and constantly praying, I had to find a physical way to deal with all of the burdens I was carrying. Granted the fact that I was too young for anything i.e. alcohol, sex, etc., I began to physically harm myself. I won’t go into such explicit details at this time (however you can find it in my next blog: Depression: - The Ins & Outs…The Severity of Depression), but it got really bad.

I was my own Psychologist for many years but I was giving myself the wrong diagnosis. How is that? Well, I confided in myself so I wouldn’t be a burden to others but I took on others problems as well, never realizing how dangerous it was. It’s an excellent experience to have a friend to confide in and help you through your problems, but if in return you cannot do the same for them, then you are indeed not a good friend. I began hurting myself because I felt overwhelmed with dealing with everyone’s problems. I’m now learning how to be my own Psychologist but in a more effective and moderate way. Of course I cannot diagnose severe cases and give them solutions, but it’s the little things that need the help; the things we think are not going to hurt us in the long run.

Here’s what I’ve come up with thus far, that’s been helping me greatly to deal with what’s going on in my life and in the lives of others:-

1.    First, I have to remember, I am not GOD. I cannot help everyone with their problems, although I’d love to, I just absolutely can’t.

2.    Second, if I am willing to offer myself to be a listening ear to my friend’s or whomever, then they must in return do the same. Perhaps they may not give me the advice I’d wish to hear but nevertheless it is still good to have someone listen to how I am feeling. If they cannot do simply that, then there is no need for us to be friends, point blank. Many people misunderstand the definition of friends. They believe that a friend is someone who they can take away from and not help build up. If you constantly remove the steps from which I am standing on, then what good am I to you if you move forward and I stay behind and what good am I to you if I do not have a steady foundation to stand on? There is no progression in a friendship if one moves forward without helping the other along. And there is no progression in a friendship if one is left behind and tries to pull the other down with them. A friendship should be where both individuals are on one accord, heading in the same direction intellectually.

3.    And last but definitely not least, it is unhealthy to harm myself in anyway shape or form because I feel overwhelmed or burdened. I should not allow myself to get to the point where I feel as if I cannot handle the things that I am going through. Getting to that point is scary. It’s like being so close to the edge, about to fall, and having no one to pull me back. If I cannot have friends who can see when I am hurting granted the fact that I know when they are and are there for them to get through it, then I should exclude those people out of my life.

These things are thoughts you should have before offering yourself to be a listening ear to someone else’s problems. You must first deal with you and take a steady pace in helping yourself get through this life before jumping in to save others. Some people do not have your best interest at heart. The only person they think about is themselves therefore there is no need to put their troubles before yours. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be there for your friends or anyone when they come to confide in you and expect advice, but be careful because some people are only here to take away from you, and if you’re not aware of that, you can really do a lot of damage to yourself in the long run. Learn how to be your own Psychologist by knowing what is it exactly you can handle and do just that; handle it. Do not take on more than what is your responsibility. You are your responsibility. Take care of you and the rest will follow.

Authentically,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

“What We Say, How We Say It, & How It’s Interpreted!!!”

I’ve always been an opinionated person and always had a response to whatever was said to me. However, I would always keep them as mere thoughts as oppose to verbally saying them. I’ve learned through being a very observant person and of course through great research that sometimes it is not only better but also life saving to leave some things unsaid.

There are many times where we as people feel as if it’s necessary to speak our minds and to constantly respond to others when the say stuff to us. Here’s the crazy thing:-

It’s not necessary! There is no need to always have a respond to everything. Yes, we all are entitled to our opinion so if we feel the need to, we can say whatever we want, whenever we want, and it should be ok, right?

Well, not exactly. I mean, no one can stop you from saying what you want, but perhaps you should stop yourself sometimes and think about what you’re about to say before you say it. Ask yourself these questions:-

v First & foremost, is it relevant to the situation?

v Will saying what you have to say make you feel better or is it just to upset the other person?

v And finally, will it be worth your life?

Perhaps I might’ve caught you off guard with that last question there huh? I guess you didn’t know that indeed it’s that serious. We are living in such a radical, ever-changing, violent time. People today are literally being killed over mere words. Now I know for sure that similar situations have occurred over centuries ago so people being killed over verbal arguments is nothing new. But, crime has intensified over the years and there are many psychologically ill-minded people walking amongst us. We won’t know it of course and sometimes they don’t even know it. People in general have many other things troubling their lives whether it is bills or relationships and the last thing they need is to be frustrated with others and their words (opinions). At any moment, your choice of words can either push someone over the edge to the point where they will just snap and harm you or themselves.

I can honestly say I’ve been to the breaking point too many times before. Like I said earlier, I’ve always been an opinionated person but I would constantly hold back a lot of things that I wanted to say simply because one, most of the times the comments were not relevant to the situation; they were always things that I wanted to say to hurt the person in the most possible way, and two, I would put myself in their position. I knew how angry I got when people would say certain things to me just to upset me and I knew of all the things that would run through my mind in not even an instant; things that could’ve either stopped me from being here today, or stopped them from being here today. Therefore, I would hold back the things that I desired to say simply because I know how it felt to be at the edge and about to tip over.

You might say, well it doesn’t concern you to know where people are at in their life i.e. emotionally or psychologically. I’m not saying that it should be your concern; I’m just saying that you should be careful. Not every thought you have should be expressed. Sometimes holding back saves you a lot, whether it’s your friendship (that you can ruin by saying something out of the way), your job, or your life. Be mindful that this world is continually changing and like technology and everything else that is constantly upgrading and on the move; so are people. Things are far different than they were before and so are people. People’s patience and mindset is continuously fluctuating and there’s no way to tell whether someone is functioning at one hundred percent or less. Many people are tired and fed up with all sorts of other things going on in their life, the last thing anyone wants to deal with is others opinion and negative words said to them. Be careful, you might push someone over the edge. The scariest part…they might take you over with them. Food for thought.

Authentically,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith