‘Twas The Night Before Christmas...when I got HIGH!’

So everyone’s planning to go out - all dressed up, plans secured and heading out...and there I am, wondering, ‘what shall I do?’. Let me first just say, I’m not a stoner or do I encourage it BUT we all have our addictions/ habits right? Well, let’s just jump into it.

I LEAN….

‘OMG, why would you do such a silly thing?’ - HOLD UP...you can stop reading right there if you’re going to judge, Ok?. Yea, I know, you wanted to hear more hahaha. Anyways, my favorite thing to have whiles unwinding would usually be a nice cold Kalik Gold or Gin and Pink Grapefruit Juice [strong stuff, I know]...but I figured, what the hell - ‘tis the season’, let’s turn it up a notch. I’m not one to lean[if you don’t know what that is, don’t worry about it] that often but it’s been a while and I thought it was the perfect occasion to do so. So yea, poured it up, beautiful pink of course and sipped whiles watching my fav - How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Even though the heading states the night before Christmas, I was just running wild LOL so indeed, I took it over to Christmas Day.

Chocolate Brownie Heaven...or so I thought…

It’s Christmas Day. I’m somewhat FADED, FADED, FADED ha but focused enough to push through. It’s boring...Mum’s in Nassau with the others, Dad’s at work and I’m home all alone thinking, ‘there’s GOT to be more than this on a Christmas Day.’ Thankfully, I got friends who actually come through LOL and they sure did. So yay, I’m no longer spending Christmas alone. We’re all chilling having a great time and there I see, Chocolate Browniesssssss - NO, not the usual...the sinfully delish ones. I’m ‘gon just be honest, I’ve tried them before but it never seemed to work on me. So I figured, yea yea, it’s going to be the same. NOT! Haha, so I bite into one and man that was so delicious. I’m thinking, since I’m not feeling anything right away, I can still sip on my beers right? Hmmmm. Few hours later, still nothing...so, being the dare-devil that I am, I say, let me try another. Let’s just say, I didn’t finish that one, barely ate half. Few moments later, first let me ask, is there really a cloud nine? And if so, can one reach higher than that? Hahahahahahahahahaha. Straight trippingggggggggggggggggg LOL. It’s a few minutes from half time and everything’s spinning. My friend’s watching the game and I don’t want to disturb him so I have to convince myself to keep calm until half time. I recall us having a conversation but then again I’m saying ‘huh?’ and he’s like ‘girl what?’...yea Krizia, you fxxked up ha. Yayyyy, half time is here and I’m coherent enough to say I’m ready to go home. I know within myself I cannot stay to that party in that state. I reach home - everything seems normal but I’m still in this ‘did I not just do this?’ state...I lay down...and it begins…

I’m DYING or maybe not.

My body is on FIRE! I’m talking about HOT! HOT! HOT! ‘Krizia it’s just your mind, relax.’ - ‘No damnit, I’m dying.’ - LOL thinking about it now makes me chuckle, told you guys I have a weird sense of humor but at that very moment, there was nothing funny about it. I really thought I was dying, my heart felt like it was about to burst in my chest. I was sweating insanely, then getting very cold immediately afterwards. My head was still spinning as well as everything else. I’m hearing conversations, having them actually then moments later wondering if I was really having them or not. I was laughing and crying at the SAME DAMN TIME. I was GONE yo! I’m talking to myself telling myself to calm down, relax and sleep. Ok, it’s sort of working...but then I start thinking, what if I don’t wake up? And the panic is back. I’m drinking endless amounts of water because my mouth is dry as ever. I’m thinking, ‘this is it, you really went overboard Krizia smt.’ I’m messaging anyone I can even though I’m shaking like crazy and could barely type. I just want someone to know and just in case I really am tripping, I can make reference to it in the morning if or when I come to.

Morning Comes...Yes Lord.

I don’t know when or exactly how I fell asleep but thank God I did. Otherwise, I really would’ve driven myself crazy panicking. I’m feeling better...some stuff still doubling up but happy for the most part, I remembered everything and I’m home. The amount of prayers I sent up that night, I trust that God would work in my favor and He DID. LOL, ok so perhaps it may seem I was a bit extra, but truthfully, I’ve never been high in my life! People consider the feeling similar to leaning but it’s not. From my experience and those that I do know lean, it’s a somber feeling, relaxing feeling - perhaps it’s the same with the other but I guess for me pairing the two together, it took me on a journey that I was so not prepared for. I mean I was completely caught off guard ha. Needless to say, it was one of the promises I made to never do again and I will stick to that. Everyone’s experience is different so I can assume many may not be able to relate but for me, that was more than enough.

How Was My Christmas?

Well I’m not a fan of the holiday that much, although I really wanted some stuffing which I DID NOT get hmph but anyways….It was pretty ok. Had a great time, chilling with amazing friends and clearly getting higher than life itself. It was an experience whiles I will not regret it, one I don’t fancy to go through again. BUT nonetheless, my holiday was pretty ok. Of course work follows suit the day after for me which I don’t mind...spend a good much on booze itself lol so I’ve got making up to do. All in all, I’m grateful I’ve lived to see another one and as we all eagerly anticipate seeing the New Year, I’m wishing you all lots of love and happiness from here on out. Live a little, laugh a lot and always be grateful - The Best Is Yet To Come!

Love Always,

Akrizia ‘MaryAntonique’ Smith

27th December, 2017

Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You.

They say if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything. I disagree. I say, 'say it anyways'. The fact of the matter is, truth hurts...it always will, but I'd rather you tell me the truth than comfort me with a lie. Now I do agree with saying things in a respectful manner and we all know that can be done. So, if you have something to say whether hurtful or not, respectfully/tastefully, SAY IT! 

Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You.... 

I want to keep my blogs uplifting and inspiring but there's so much I need to get out [truthfully] before I can share the good parts. I do not want to seem like the bitter blogger nor do I want to be the one who seems to share absolutely everything with the world BUT at the same time, I want to be real with my readers. I talk about self-empowerment and releasing hurt to better oneself but I seldom ever follow such advice, sad to say...but now I'm ready. Not only do I owe honesty to my readers but indeed, to myself. 

You won't read this perhaps...everything I've ever said to you seemed to fall on deaf ear but me writing this is a way of healing for me and releasing my anger, hate, frustration, confusion and pain... 

So, Dear Dad... 

I needed you. Always needed you. Thought how blessed I was to be raised in a home with both parents and not that co-parenting stuff UNTIL I was old enough or perhaps wise enough to realize it's really not all that 'glitz and glamoured' up as it seems. Sure, the world may think it's cool; they even consider it privileged but no one knows besides the people who actually live and deal with it. You're a great man, always have been and perhaps forever will be....to everyone else. 

I needed you. Needed you to stand up for me. Needed you to be there for me and please don't think financial support was/is enough because truthfully, it isn't. Some think it is, well, from a crying child inside a 28 year old adult, I'll tell you, it's not. 

I fell in love with the bad guy, and the bad guy, and the bad guy again....I was mistreated, verbally and physically abused but I needed to love the hardworking bad guy because I didn't know what love was from a man. I didn't know how a Queen was supposed to be treated....never saw it happen to my mum and definitely not to me. So yea, there I was, accepting anything from the bad guy because a little bit of love was better than no love at all. 

I gave the bad guy everything, as I was trained to – my heart, my time, cooked, cleaned, made sure the bad guy was comfortable and happy whilst I was miserable and depressed. But that's life right? 

As I stated, I'm 28 years old now so I really can't blame anyone for the choices I've made, but I do wish you would've shown me better. When I started cutting myself, you never said anything. A year later you mentioned it and just said, 'don't do that shit, it's not good, people talk.' It was always this perfect image we had to uphold but there I was, crying for help - not just any help 'cause you guys will probably say where was mum. She was there, always there...my number one fan but I wasn't seeking her love or approval, I already had it – I was looking for you. 

I know, you've said it before and I don't or won't know if you regret it but I'm the daughter you never wanted to have. 'Though it hurt when I heard it, had to suck it up...I'm the kid you wanted aborted...BUT OH TO BE KEPT BY JESUS. We're humans, we say things we don't mean and have feelings that are only for the moment. BUT, you could've treated me/or pretend to treat me like I was your babygirl – being your first and only daughter. You call me it, you tell the world it now – although I don't know which world because so many still don't know you actually have a daughter [experienced that again yesterday, quite annoying to be honest]. 

There are scars on my heart and memories that won't seem to erase and I wanted to be detailed so you can truly understand how I've been feeling all these years but there's just so much to say and right now...don't even care to make the time. 

But I'll Say This... 

I forgive you – Forgive you for every hurtful thing you've ever said and I couldn't say anything back because you taught me to speak when spoken to, otherwise shut up and that women are beneath men so we aren't/supposed to answer back anyways. Forgive you, for not being to any of my school events or accomplishments because you were too busy 'working' yet you made it to all of your 'favorite'/first son [the one you really wanted] stuff. Forgive you for ignoring my cries for YOUR attention and when you finally looked, you ignored it again. Forgive you for not even caring when I tried to commit suicide; your only concern when you came to visit me was you noticing I wasn't home and I was supposed to wash your clothes. Forgive you for allowing your 'Joseph' to continually walk all over me and disrespect me and tell me how I'm not your child and so forth. Forgive you for never showing me true love and in return I seeked love from people who only hurt me and destroyed me. I can't ever hold you accountable for the things that I've done or the choices I've made but then again, I somewhat do. I needed you and you weren't/still aren't there... 

So, Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You. 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

3rd December, 2017

28 and Broke! BUT, Optimistic.

"If I'm going to fall, I don't want to fall back on anything except my faith; I want to fall forward." - Denzel Washington 

Things that make you go, 'Hmmm....' 

While delivering his speech to the 2011 Graduating Class of The University of Pennsylvania, Denzel Washington said such powerful words, encouraging them to fall forward. He went on to say how he disliked when people, in particular elderly family members would say, 'make sure you have something to fall back on now.' I too have always disliked such advice. Although it may seem wise or safe to do which is ok, it allows room for complacency to settle in and we see so often many not really reaching/ discovering their full potential because they become comfortable with the mindset of, ' well if this doesn't work, at least I'll have something to fall back on.' At times they won't even try at all. 

The first time I heard his speech was when I moved back home to Grand Bahama in 2015. I would stay by my cousin from time to time and literally every morning she would play his speech. EVERY MORNING! I immediately feel in love with it as it did something to me. Finally, someone with a platform {well grander than mines at the moment} was encouraging others to be and do the things I've been trying to express to those around me my whole life. I know the saying is true that they won't listen to you until someone else says it, which for me is fine as long as the message is understood. 

2016. 

My job title of Sales Associate and Graphic Artist {some years later}, I held for a consecutive eight years, nine in total within the same establishment. Whiles I am indeed forever grateful for such an opportunity, I constantly went back and forth with my desires of leaving and finding something new, exciting or preferably {now} just doing my own thing: The Entrepreneur Thing. During those years, the only thing that kept me from venturing out were those same nagging words, 'make sure you have something to fall back on' and 'you don't leave sure for unsure.' -rolls eyes- 

I'm more vocal now than I was back then but in my mind, I always screamed, 'besides the grave, there's nothing sure/certain.' Some may argue with me but that's another topic for another day that I won't entertain. {Sorry if that seems rude} 

But Anyways... 

So yea, here I am on this job feeling suffocated. I couldn't breathe, not because there was always people around because there wasn't, but because I was no longer happy, comfortable, complacent. I was suffocating myself with the thoughts and plans of others when all I really wanted to do was 'fall forward...take a shot...enjoy the risk...just do it!' 

I didn't come to my decision easy but nonetheless I had to make it. I resigned from my job – I'd say quit but indeed I did it the formal way {notice and everything} September 2016. Now of course there were many who thought I was insane leaving a 'sure job' without having another lined up first but I couldn't and didn't pay them any attention. I just couldn't do it anymore! The pay was fairly decent, atmosphere ok but I just couldn't breathe! I needed out. Now you're probably thinking based on the title, '28 and Broke!', perhaps I made the wrong decision. Nope. It was the best decision I've ever made in my life and I would do it over and over again. My last day was a Monday and by that Saturday of the same week I was flying off to Abaco for another job which I got offered immediately during the interview. Not boasting or bragging but I knew I would. And just like that, on to something new. 

The Problem. 

The new job came with certain perks that I was ok with as well as some things that I wasn't interested in getting used to but I made it work. How then, I'm doing what I thought I wanted, taking the risk, trying something new, starting off with a pay I demanded and still not happy? 

Things that make you go, 'Hmmm...' 

I discovered very quickly that finding another job or working for another company wasn't what I really wanted. I wasn't uncomfortable with the establishments {for the most part}, I was uncomfortable with me. I was disappointed with me and finding 'another job' wasn't going to fix the problem. The problem was simple: I became the person I never wanted to be. I was always the over-achiever, the girl with big ambitions and strong drive, the girl who got things done and was never afraid of putting her all into her dreams because she believed, 'all or nothing babe.' Yet here I was, on another man's job, fulfilling another man's dream and neglecting my own. Here I was conforming to complacency again. 

Now please do not get me wrong, everyone has to start from somewhere. To say we all can't be 'bosses', I'd disagree with that but no doubt, somebody's got to work. So indeed there's nothing wrong with having a job/ working for someone, but like feelings, it's dangerous when a job has/consumes you. 

They called me Spongebob on my previous job. Yup, they laughed at me. How I always made sure I got things done, went the extra mile almost always and never late. In fact, I'd usually be an hour – hour and a half early and hardly ever took sick days even when I felt like death himself. That's when the job has/consumes you. You eat, sleep and breathe the job, putting aside your own personal aspirations to ensure someone else's own is accomplished. Some may say that's just a really good employee, I call it being a fool! {I'm being rude again...I know} 

No doubt I was an excellent employee and my pay raises, coming from the horse's mouth proved that, but being honest with myself, I was a damn fool! I gave everything, all of me to the job and neglected my own goals. 

P.S. I got fired from my new job in Abaco three weeks later. I'm laughing at it now but trust me, that was so not funny then. Well fired is pretty strong of a word, I can sugar coat it like they did but I won't.... Fired. Had a few disagreements with management and truthfully, I just lost interest. I knew it showed on my face and maybe I should've left on my own but I did try to make it work. Clearly, it didn't. So there I was, back at the drawing board. Job offers came as they always did and I'm again grateful but they just weren't what I was willing to give my all to again. 

The Heart to Heart Conversation. 

I had to sit down with myself and sincerely talk to me; call me crazy but I love expert advice. I needed to know exactly what it was Akrizia wanted out of life and what she was willing to sacrifice to achieve it. 

I've had a million dreams and things I wanted to do but I can assure you, no way in hell did I ever saw Graphics being one of them. In fact, I hated designing on my previous job, partly because I had no idea what I was doing {self-taught} and because it was forced on me to be honest {I hate doing things by force}. So yea, I really didn't see myself owning my own Design Company...but oh Lord when opportunity stops knocking, two words: Create It. 

2017. 

Why am I still doing it then if I previously hated it? 

Because I love it now. 

Keep in mind, it was not one of the things I aspired to do and since I had to teach myself how to do it, it annoyed me. When I finally was able to do it on my own terms, I became intrigued. I loved learning how to do it. I studied, YouTube {my fav}, got certifications and found a way to make it work for me, literally. Now let me just throw this out there ok so you all know, starting something new, particularly a whole company on your own is very risky, time consuming and expensive! And when you're broke, it’s the worst! Haha. Expensive how? Well you've got to invest in yourself loves. You know the saying, 'You've got to spend money to make money.'? It's true. I guarantee you 'though, it'll be the best money you'll ever spend and perhaps not for some but for me, you'll enjoy it! 

Why 28 and Broke then? 

Well loves, it's an uphill climb. There won't always be sunny days and let's face it, sometimes you will invest more in than what you get back, but that's ok! That's just the way life goes. Paired with somewhat of a struggling economy, you're going to have to branch out a little more as well {hint, hint – we've introduced Marketing to the Company}. The overall thing one must become aware of before they venture out or please learn early on is how to be financially literate. Trust me on this one, it's a must! Whiles you're still reading, please put 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What The Rich Teach Their Kids About Money That The Poor and Middle Class Do Not.' By Robert T. Kiyosaki on your book list, thank me later! That book gave me life and life again. 

I'm going to wrap this up because it really wasn't my intentions to be so long, sorry LOL. Why fall forward then if there's going to be ups and downs? Life is full of ups and downs whether you're chasing your dreams or not. If you haven't noticed that by now, I don't know who you are but good job or in other words, 'kudos to you!' The rest of us however have experienced ups, downs, ins, outs and all that lies in between no matter the situation i.e. on another man's job or your own. Fall forward because it's really not as scary as they'd have you believe. Headaches? Yes. Tired? OMG. Starving at times? Possibly, especially if you've been reckless with money as I have. Wanting to give up and just do the norm? Absolutely. Then why keep going? It's the liberating feeling you get when you know you're finally putting your all into what it is you said you would do or in my case, discovered something you actually enjoy doing even when you thought you wouldn't. 

I'm trying to wrap my brain around a powerful quote to end with but it's not coming together so I'll leave you with some simple truth: 

I'm a 28-year-old Graphic Artist/ Marketing Consultant with my own company 'Akrizia Designs', soon to officially launch my workout gear Fat2Fab by my second company, SAM Activewear who currently lives on dad's couch, literally {all the rooms are taken lol} writing this blog to inspire you. No, I didn't have something to fall back on because loves, bills still have to pay and contributions still have to be made all while I'm 'hustling' and investing in myself to make the dream come true. 

Why optimistic then? 

I'm not exactly where or as far as I'd prefer to be in life and I can only blame myself for that, no prob. However, I now have a clear view of where I'm headed and I can assure you, the future looks mighty bright and beautiful! Again, I stand firm on the belief that there are no sureties in life but I'll promise you this, you'll never know if you don't ever try. Like they say, 'If you don't ask, the answer will always be no.' I'll say, if you don't take the chance, embrace the risk and fall forward, you'll forever live with what if's. Ahhh...and there, I've found one - 'A life without risk is like no life at all.' - Demi Moore {Indecent Proposal 1993} Just knew something would tie in. Be encouraged loves...and fall forward. 

Love Always, 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

14th October, 2017 

4AM - OMG, I was THAT Girl!

4AM – OMG, I was THAT Girl! 

Now I'm certain many of you know, if not, have heard some parts of Melanie Fiona's song – 4AM. Don't play shy...'It's 4AM and my lover won't answer; he's probably somewhere with some dancer sippin' champagne while I'm in his bed.' - Yeah, I know you know that part LOL. 

Wellllllllll, it's Storytime Guys! So, let's begin. 

Once upon a time not long ago, I was THAT girl! Yes! Me. I have an awkward sense of humor. I laugh at things now that back then, in the moment, cut me so deep. Some may say it's not funny ever but to me, I get over it. So, this story and sharing it with you all brings me great humor. Anyways, so I was dating this guy and I think it's safe to say, we were in love, well so I thought. 

Like every relationship that has its ups and downs, ours was no different but we managed to work through them. Truth is, we were friends prior to actually being in a relationship. He was always in love with me apparently (according to him and everyone else). I knew but I was young and focused on my studies and needless to say, the 'good girl'. Yes, I sort of hated that term but oh well, it kept the douche bags away. 

Let's keep it going... 

Bringing you up to speed, now we're both pass the awkward stage and heavy in a relationship. Thought what the hell we're both grown and interested, sure why not right? Wrong! Some relationships are better left as just friends. Otherwise, if it fails, you jeopardize everything. 

It's Party Night! 

We're all over for a weekend of fun at his house. All of his friends, my friends; just loving ourselves. I'm not the girl who tells her boyfriend he cannot go out but in the spirit of things, I thought it was appropriate to do so. I mean, I'm home by him, lots of other people there, no need to leave me there with them, right? He agreed and we chilled and did 'couple's stuff' LOL AKA 'Netflix and Chill'. 

Anywayssssssssss... 

I knew his work friends (Squaddies smt) were still calling him to go out with them but he said to me he wasn't going. Nonetheless, he went! Yup, he sure did. It was 12AM and the call came through. I was supposed to be asleep but I don’t sleep that hard so the ring woke me up but I didn't make it known. He's probably thinking then, 'my girl's sleeping, she won’t even notice I'm gone.' Wrong! I watched him get ready and everythangggg! Now you're probably thinking, why didn’t I say anything....what was there for me to say hmmm, 'You can't go?'. He's a grown man, clearly, he had his mind made up. 

Don't want to be long-winded so let's try to finish this... 

He's gone and I'm up PISSED! FUMMING! I tried calling after a few hours but of course, his phone is now turned off. I wanted to be 'Krazy Krizia' but I didn't know where to begin. I mean, he left, didn't say anything, had no idea where he was going or who with exactly, so I did the only thing (at that time) I could...Wait. 

4AM Arrives – OMG and he's still not home. Okay, maybe he got hurt, a fight broke out or something, I mean these things happen all the time. I'm in panic mood now; no longer angry but concerned. I'm calling but it's useless, his phone is still turned off. I'm rocking back and forth - 'Krazy Krizia' is kicking in: not the 'nigga I'll cut you' side but the 'Lord please, please let everything be okay' side. 

It's 6AM. 

I'm tire as hell, fighting back sleep but I know I have to stay up just in case there's a call or he comes home and there's a good explanation. 

Oh, he comes home... 

All smiling and ish. I'm like, 'dude, is you serious?' (yeah, the ghetto comes out LOL). He's all, 'babe I had to go, they kept calling me and blah blah blah!' I politely got up from out of his bed and walked out of the room. This story gets too juicy but out of respect for some, even though I really shouldn't, I'll just let bygones be bygones. 

You want to know if he cheated huh? 

Well, I can’t confirm anything if I wasn't there but perhaps fellas, when you’re doing your dirt, make sure it's with people you can trust. I mean he always said how his friends secretly liked me and would do anything to tear us apart. I always assured him my love was for him and what they tried or did never mattered to me. But oh boy, they couldn't wait to tell me about that night. I was told about it the next day in fact, full details. 

Whiles to them or so they thought, this would be the perfect opportunity for me to leave him and be open to dating, they never considered the heartbreak it would bring. I was devastated! I couldn't believe that after all these years of loving and pursuing, finally having me, there, he risked it all for one night of fun with wolves who was waiting for his downfall; setting the perfect trap. 

There I was laying in his bed waiting for him to come home while he was out bragging about this 'good girl' he has home waiting in bed for him. WOW! 

It wasn't 4AM to be exact but 4/6 same thing LOL, well the story is still similar. 

Did it birth a new me? 

Sorta Kinda. Truth is, I'll never stop loving the way I love or perhaps (I said perhaps) trusting the way I trust, but I did learn two valuable lessons: 

1. No matter how good you are, you'll never be good enough for the man/woman who isn’t ready for you. Yes, I know, people make mistakes but then and now, it seemed to be a clear-cut conscious decision.  And...                                                                                         
2. People can love you and still hurt you. I'm certain we have all done so to someone we've claimed to love at some point in our lives. I hold no one at fault for that, after all, we're only humans. 

But, I want you to think about this the next time you're about to make a decision that may bring pain to someone you love whether family, friend or lover – Is it worth losing everything? The friendship? The relationship? The happy moments? The 'I can't live without this person' feeling? The 'I know it's been years but I'm still trying to make it right with her because I know she genuinely loved me and was the one' feeling? 

And that's how I knew it wasn't worth it 🙂. But such is life and it goes on with me now smiling and laughing at a heartbreak that repaired so beautifully. 

4AM...yup, I was THAT girl! 

Love ya Freaks! 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 

1st October, 2017 

The Elephant In The Room P.S. I'm 'Krazy'

There's an elephant in the room. Do you not see it? Interesting. Well, let's address it anyways. I've always wanted to write this blog to explain a few things, but when it came to this, putting pen to paper always seemed to be the hardest thing to do. But there's an elephant in the room that haunts me daily, won’t let me be great, not until I tell my truth, my story...my pain. 

Well then, Shall we begin? 

I've learned over time how to bury things, feelings, hurts that should no longer have a place in my life. It's funny 'though, how they have an awkward way of popping back up every so often. There's an expression here in the Caribbean (not too certain if it's used other places), but it goes, 'when row day come.' That simply means when it's arguing time – in most cases, you find out how people really feel about you: 'Row Day!' 

As I chuckle to myself now thinking about it, 'row day' surely did come and devoured me. People talk about you and that's just a part of life: Get Over It! Sounds simple right? Well in most cases, to me, it really is. But when 'row day' finally came between a longtime friend and I, those words uttered by them perhaps out of anger or simply no care for my feelings left me shattered; made me question my whole existence. How could one be so cruel? All this time you believed the noise in the market and never said anything to me? You knew what others were saying and never mentioned it? But thought that this would be the appropriate time to bring it up? During an argument? WOW! 

Let's go back...Story Time! 

I was a fifteen-year-old honor student (soon to be sixteen) a few months away from entering into my final year of high school. P.S. I was in love. Yup! There was this guy and we'd been dating for almost a year. He was my everything! I adored him and he adore me. We fed off of each other's energy. We both felt misunderstood. Two brilliant teenagers in their own leagues of accomplishments but so broken and no one knew. They saw the glitz and glamour but not the fragile souls crying for help. 

Speeding it up... 

We had different ways of coping with our pain. I threw myself into academics and him, athletics. We conquered! But it wasn't quite enough. We talked about everything, from our current family lives to future hopes and aspirations. And we also talked about different coping-mechanisms as well – they at the time seem to be needed. Something was mentioned, somewhat of a dare; a way he dealt with his stress and I became intrigued. He, of course, insisted that I disregard such a thought but Akrizia at that time lived in her own world of 'I do what I want, shouldn't have dare me.' LOL silly me. 

Anyways, I went home that evening and I sat and thought, 'this is some really crazy people shit.' (excuse the expression) But yup, that's what I thought. I do not remember just how or why a fight broke out in our home but it did. It was one of the usual fights of course or disturbance to be perfectly honest and I was always so quick to jump out of my bunk bed (top one to be exact) and play peace maker...this night was different. 

The razor was in my hand and I was just about to put it down, again thinking, 'this is some crazy people shit and I'm not 'bout this life'...but something snapped. I no longer wanted to be the peace maker or 'defender of the people' as my sister calls me. I wanted to be heard from my point of view but the words just wouldn't seem to form. I wanted to scream 'I need help, I'm broken too', but silence consumed me. And at that moment, uncalculated and semi-provoked, instead of rushing out to be 'defender of the people', I sat and watched the thickness of the blood, rich in its' color, cloud my hands...and I, I felt nothing. I felt nothing! I laid there, wrapped my arms up (both of them) and went to sleep. 

The next morning, I didn't even fathom what I had done but oh the water brought it immediately to my attention. That was the worst shower I had ever took in my life. It stung like crazy! In school, I didn't hear the whispers or anything but my best friend at the time brought it to my attention that people were now calling me crazy; said I had gone mad. She was furious! She gave me her jacket to throw over me and when I told her I didn't care what people thought, she insisted that I still cover myself. I'll always love and thank her for that. My boyfriend, needless to say was much disappointed but nonetheless, he understood. 

Years later... 

That was some thirteen years ago and I've grown to live with my truth. I've acknowledged my reckless mistakes and moved pass them to the point where I don’t even notice my scars. Of course that doesn't stop others from noticing or even taking it upon themselves to ask. And when I give them a vague response, they still continue on with their own opinions. Such is life. I don’t feel as though I need now to explain myself to anyone and I, truth be told somewhat could care less about what others think. However, 'row day' came. 

As I've mentioned prior, people have said things and it never seemed to phase me. This time was different. Now the argument I'd admit was 60% my fault but the words that came after left me speechless and beyond hurt. A friend that I've known and trusted for perhaps some eleven years says 'Well maybe you are crazy. I mean people have told me how you were suicidal and all; how you used to cut yourself in school.' (I've graduated from high school ELEVEN YEARS ago *rolls eyes*) 

Hmmm...I cried like someone had just taken a loved one from me. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. You felt at that moment, at that time after all these years, those were the perfect words to say? WOW! 

So, the elephant in the room... 

Again, I do not owe anyone any explanations for decisions I've made in my life but somehow, I've always wanted to make it clear. Yes, I've been broken and yes, there are many things I've been battling unbeknownst to me then, like depression, for a very long time. BUT, I have never or will I ever be (through the Father's grace), suicidal. 

It hurts when people feel comfortable just throwing words out there like that not conscious of the consequences. There are people who've battled or are still battling with suicidal thoughts everyday. Whiles I may not directly relate to them (somewhat), I sympathize with their pain. A pain that seems so overbearing. I'd be lying if I said the thought itself has never crossed my mind but I can assure you, it indeed was just a mere thought once (in no way related to previous incident) that quickly evaporated. 

My cuts then were only from a broken soul seeking help without having to say it; never from a person who lost all hope and wanted to end it all. 'Though I stated they were uncalculated, scientifically let's be honest, the placements of them would simply be impossible for one to commit suicide. I would say 'duhhhhhhh' but that would be rude. 

Let's end this... 

I've always wanted to share my story but I never knew how to start. That experience, 'row day' triggered me. I found a way. Depression hurts, I can't or won't sugar coat that. There are days when my highs are amazing and then I blink, and my lows consume me. But now that I'm understanding and have knowledge about it, it somewhat gets easier to handle. 'Row day' came and it felt at the moment as if it had broken me but instead, it renewed me. To find healing, you must confront that which hurts you. The whispers and talks of me being crazy (even some family members find pleasure in saying such) at some point in time hurt me; they no longer have such power over me. People are going to talk about you until the day you die and even then, trust me, they still will carry on. Such is life! 

Once you know who you are, then you know who you are not! Do not allow past hurts, disappointments, mistakes or the thoughts of others define you. What defines us is how well we rise after falling! Yup. Stole that from Maid In Manhattan lol. But seriously, my story, as complexed as it may seem is quite simple: I made a foolish mistake which I'll probably be reminded of for the rest of my life and I'm okay with that. I'm okay now because I'm releasing it; I'm taking its power away. So no matter how many times its brought up to me or by whom, I'm ready to face it. The elephant in the room has been addressed - perhaps not in depth – but enough to be understood. 

And life goes one...! 

Akrizia 'MaryAntonique' Smith 
19th September, 2017